Friends in the workplace...

Do you think you could balance a friendship with someone you also work with? I think the answer is no. First of all in the workplace you have to have a certain level of respect for the people you work with, a different kind of respect than the people you are friends with. I have learned the lesson time and time again, as I have gotten friends jobs at my place of employment and found myself loathing them being there because I do not work like I hang out and hanging out is what you are used to doing with your friends. It is a complete different scenario if you become friends with a stranger that you work with, I have seen this go both ways. Either you gain respect for the person as a co-worker and become great friends or once the other person feels comfortable with you (as a friend), they don't mind stepping on you or throwing you under the bus to make themselves feel and look better. This issue arises again and again and somehow I can not make myself comprehend, so not befriend your co-workers, this could go very bad. But I seem to always think people are generally good people until I am slapped in the face with reality.

Men in Uniforms?

(Back to the blogging you come here to read)

So I know we have all heard the statement "I love a man in uniform". I think I heard this as a young child and my mother's infatuation with "An Officer and a Gentleman", took me to a completely different place than most. When most people use that phrase they are generally speaking about men serving in the armed forces, don't get me wrong those are great too, but I wonder why let it stop there.

My first man in uniform, we will call him Jay. I was 16 and he was probably too old for me, but I think that uniform did it for me. He came in the store I worked daily and I was smitten. I didn't act on that feeling, nor did the fact that the uniform he wore belonged to the oil changing place, change how I felt. Like I said, uniforms are uniforms, right?

Next we had the one we will call, Tim, Oh Tim.. hmmm he was a looker, and the uniform rawr! I am telling you these uniforms are like status symbols right? This one I did have a relationship with and was my first love, well until he broke my heart into a million pieces when he decided it would be a good idea, to hurt me to have sex with one of my friends, this friend also was the one holding me while I cried because I didn't know who this "mystery" girl was that ruined my world. Trust me I got the better end of the deal by this loser dumping me. I sooo should have learned from this. This charmer wore the uniform from the Auto Parts store, but I didn't care.

Now I did not let infatuation end with guys who changed oil, fixed your car, or served our country, but I took it to a whole new levels as saw fit. I can not think of one occupation of a man wearing a uniform that does not make me smile. It may sound trivial but as I got older and reflect back I wonder why in the world this happened. Alas I think I have the answer, what do all of these people have in common? They are all employed, meaning they all have jobs, and there it is posted on their clothing along with their names and freshly starched shirts, a statement that says, hey chick, look at me I am stable and I can take care of you and you can wash my uniforms. Even an inmate, even though it is not a respected one, they too have jobs and uniforms. To be young again, I was naive as they come. For some reason I believed a prince charming would come riding in wearing his super cool uniform and save the day. Just one of those fantasies I had in my mind.

This was just one of the many things as a teenager that made me different, my thoughts on people are quite possibly the one thing that kept me out of the "in" crowd. I was interested by everyone and how they thought and felt. What makes people tick. There were so many "groups" of people. We had at my school, the In crowd, the artsy people, the super smart people, the ones that wore black, the outcasts, the band people, the jocks, and a few more. Where did I fit in, in the scheme of these, I don't really think I did, I can think of friends I had from each group and how does this tie in with this blog? Because like the men I was so infatuated with, these people too wore uniforms, just not the ones with name tags. The In crowd displayed their uniforms through the best clothes, the band people wore band, dance line, majorette uniforms, the artsy people wore tie dyed clothing and had hacky sacks, the black wearing crowd, wore of course black and trench coats and black eyeliner, Me? lol I was fine in a sweat shirt and blue jeans. BUT as I looked at each of these groups those uniforms made them special, you could see what group they belonged to because of their uniforms. So which one of these guys did I end up with, well first I married a self proclaimed stoner and however his status and him being so different from me, I loved him, that unfortunately did not last. Now for the last 6 years I have been married to and have to children by.... this was very shocking even to me... the one from the black wearing crowd. He had long hair and the trench coat and all, who would have known right. You just never know. I have no idea which uniform my children will wear, but I know that whatever they choose will be perfect as long as they are happy and are being themselves!

My lesson learned was it is not the uniform worn, It IS the people underneath it that make it.
I guess long story short, don't judge a book by its cover or its uhm uniform!

Until next time

It has in fact been awhile...

It has been a few months since I have blogged. I have not felt like it or really had the time and to be honest was afraid if I continued to blog after April, I would break down. Here is where I am right now. My grandmother that I adored so and blogged on her recovery, passed a way a few weeks ago. It was more than heartbreaking. It could not hurt more if I had lost my mother, because she was so much like a mother to me. I am still working in the pharmacy for the time being, it is so hard juggling being a mother of 2 small children while dealing with effing tradgedy and working. I do not know the solution and I am not sure if there is one. I have to make money, have to, but at what point is it no longer worth it. I would live on the streets if it would bring my MawMaw back or cure my dads cancer, but I do know that is not a fix either. My dad is no longer on chemo. Here a note I posted on that:
She meant the world to me. For so many years my family was her world and for the last months my world revolved around her. She was more than a grandmother, she was like a 2nd mother. It was her that took me to my first day of school, she is the one who took care of us when we were sick, she put calamine lotion on our chicken pox, when our house burnt to the ground, she is the one who helped us get furniture for our new home. SHE was ALWAYS there and that is so hard thing to swallow. In a way I feel so lucky to have gotten 28 years with such an amazing, generous, kind, christian, woman, but at the same time that is what makes letting go so hard. I know at some point we all have to go, I just wasn't ready for that time to come. I truely believed she was getting better. I remember the last time I saw her coherant was 2 days before she was rushed to the hospital, she stuck her toungue out at me because I told her I liked her ride. The call I recieved that Friday, I thought it was something else we would overcome, however when I met the ambulance I knew that wasn't the case. She had kidney failure and a lot of fluid built up, there just wasn't a lot to do but make her comfortable and she fought for 5 days and that is when the lord called her up. That morning I cried, but not for long, after all there was so much to do. Both parents were in the hospital and MawMaw died. They were able to wheel my dad down to her room, as soon as he entered the room, she took her last breath. My dad was hospitalized for internal bleeding again and liver problems steming from the cancer. My mother had pneumonia and cellulitis, which they originally thought was a heart attack, thank the lord that was not the case. My dad was released the next day and my mom was released the afternoon before the viewing. This time has been so difficult and if I could reach only one person and tell them to make sure those you love, know just how much they mean to you. Never let a good deed go with out a thank you, let people know you care. These are the "highlights" of the last month, I know some of you were wanting updates. Right now the course of action with my dad is he is healing, getting over the last hospital visit and the death of his mother, then he and his oncologist will decide what move to make next. My mom is doing better and followed up with the doctors and is going through some testing and medications. So maybe she will feel up to par soon. Myself, while dealing with this all I am trying so hard to not become bitter and it is a hard thing. I love many people but nothing what I have for my family and sometimes it does feel like those I love the most are being taken from me one by one and everything good is fading.You would not believe it but my father, myself, we have been picked a part on every aspect of our lives lately. People have caused him such heartache over how to deal with MawMaw's thing. money, house, here is the deal, it is his, he is her only son and point blank he will do with it as he sees fit, end of story, and I think it is SICK to want to worry someone as sick as he is while he is dealing with the loss of his mother. Picking me apart, just as sick, but I can not be bothered by those who do not even matter in this situation. Be kind to others you never know when you may have to walk in their shoes, no one is immune to tradgedy. Keep a sympathetic heart and an open mind! My world was great this time last year and it has taken every bit of effort just to make it through each day since November. Things can change in a blink of an eye! I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it isn't a train!"You don't know when, where or how you will die, you can decide how you live, NOW"
Love Always,
Karen
And always thank you to so many who have supported me, listened, or just were there in body or spirit!

Fairytales....

What little girl didn't love to hear fairy tales, tales of princesses, prince charming, fairies, wishes and dreams coming true. Here are the 2 definitions I found for fairy tales.
fairytale: a story about fairies; told to amuse children
fairytale: an interesting but highly implausible story; often told as an excuse.
Hmm... I should have read the disclaimer first, "This story is clearly for your amusement only, not true or plausible."

Cinderella: Father dies (not amusing), Raised by evil stepmother (not amused), made her clean 24/7 (what kinda people wrote this). Then her fairy godmother grants her wish to go to the ball, no no she did not wish to be free of the idiots she lived with, she wanted her a man. (Can you see where this is going). The prince maybe charming but that is all he did, the girls had to suffer to be with them. Cinderella was locked in a room, Aerial lost her voice and flipper, Aurora was put in a freaking coma, Jasmine ran away from home and was chained up and had to kiss that creepy guy, Rapunzel must have had a heck of a headache from everyone climbing on her hair, Geez. And what does Mr. Charming do, gallops in on his horse and saves the day. Wow guy... glad you could show up now, I could have used you when I was being broke down and sold as a slave. But apparently one kiss from this guy makes you forget everything and you live happily every after. WHAT?

"There is no Prince Charming.
He isn't coming to take you to the ball, rescue you from a watchtower, or save you from your evil stepmother.
You'll be lucky if you can get him to take out the trash.
Nothing is turning into a pumpkin but a damn seed.
If you are a fish, you will stay that way. No kiss will change that."

My mind this minute...

1. Why did I pay 70 dollars to watch my son play in the dirt? He can do that at home for FREE! Apparently T-ball is not as interesting as he thought, but he promises to keep trying.

2. Why when you are young you can not wait to grow up and when you become old you would give your right arm to be young?

3. With every passing day of being a parent myself, I think.. ohhh my poor parents and I find myself calling to confess to things I am sure they never wanted to know but well they do now. Fears confirmed.

4. "They" always say you get back what you gave to your parents, if that is true... I am in more trouble than I can handle.

5. By the way who are "They" and how do they always know everything.?

6. My son will not run with the ball at practice. I tried to tell the coach yell, "it's bedtime" and that boy will run like the wind.

7. To be contiuned.

Second Opinions Count.

I, along with my parents took Maw Maw to a geriatric doctor (doctor for the elderly) for a "2ND opinion" and to try and sort out her meds. I must say I was very impressed with this doctor. She was so kind and spent almost an hour with Maw Maw, trying to get a clearer picture. She sent for her records from Trinity and sent her for lab work and in 3 weeks we will have another appointment and get a game plan. In the meantime, we have stopped her seizure meds and a few others, to try and get her leveled out. She looked at me today and said " I love you, and I always have"... Ohhh that stuff just breaks me down. A few years ago when I first moved to Anniston Maw Maw, helped me out so much. I would not have been able to make it if it weren't for her and I would always feel bad and she would say, "You may have to help me someday." People have said, well maybe it is just her time or maybe you should give up and throw her in a nursing home. HELLO people, seriously, first of all do you know who you are talking to? I don't give up, I am so stubborn it is ridiculous and 2ND If I did give up it would not be on my family. If it were you would you want someone to take the first option if their was another answer? She told me she felt trapped like she couldn't control her mind. The doctor thinks we can "fix" most of this, which made me want to turn a flip (ya know if I could), BUT I also am realistic and know not to get my hopes up! We will see in 3 weeks! I pray her coming off the meds will help!!
Daddy is still waiting on word about an oncologist. Will update when I know more about that.
Ty is having fun with T-ball and his friend Briley is on his team, so TJ and I are so excited that the boys get to play together!
Uhmmm Miss. Belle colored herself with a pen today, that was fun to clean. Tyler was stoked that it wasn't him getting in trouble. Almost funny but not quite.

Seriously

So Tyler has started T-ball which I am super excited about! It is so sweet! He has had 2 practices and is catching and hitting the ball.. however running I hear is not his strong point.. never would have guessed it. Tell him its bedtime, trust me that boy will run.

Maw Maw has been "home" for a week now, some mild improvements but nothing drastic. Her mind breezes in and out. She may talk totally coherent and the next sentence be something totally off the wall. She doesn't want to eat. Her meds are a complete mess from so many doctors. And she refuses to sleep. My parents are completely exhausted. I went and put her to bed on Monday, and she cried for me to stay and that killed me, so I stayed until she calmed down and it is just a bad situation. She has a doctors appointment in the morning and hopefully something will come together.

My dad has started to feel a little better and they decided to put his chemo pump back in BUT (are you ready for this), his oncologist quit, like just up and left the Cancer Center. So none of those people have anyone to give their chemo. Seriously does this stuff happen to other people. So the clinic told him, they are going to try and get another oncologist to come in and if they can't get one in a week he will have to be transfered to another cancer center in another city! INSANITY. Those poor poor patients, that is so terrible. My heart goes out to them all, I know they must be scared to death.

Accomplished

OK so here is the update.
Today I was able to get 4 hours in at work, ugh then I met with Sarah and went to the hospital to try to get Maw Maw to eat and check on Daddy who is so sick right now. The doctor gave us 2 options for Maw Maw feeding tube or Nursing Home because she would not eat. Me being me didn't care much for either of those options, so it was a mission for option 3. We (Sarah and I) go down there and get her to eat 2 ensures, some chicken, mashed potatoes, a little rice, pudding, a biscuit w/jelly, some tea, some pudding and more... NOW anyone that can eat that much does NOT need a damn feeding tube, so I sat there until the doctor came in.. long story short.. she is being released in the morning and is going to my parents, we went and moved my parents dining room into their den and made the dining room a bedroom for Maw Maw, moved her bed up there, her recliner and made it feel more like "her house". And got orders from the doctor for home health to come out and physical therapy and occupational therapy to all come to my parents house and help her. SO I feel all accomplished, everyone was like high fiving each other like thank you JESUS and I was like.. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE messes with the ones I love.

Daddy had to be sent back to the cancer center today, he is not holding down food and has a fever and is so cold. When he got to the cancer center today his white blood cell count was way high, so they determined he had an infection (not good) and gave him some medicine (antibiotic for the infection and Zofran for the Nausea).. and he had lost weight since the last time I saw him. He was like I love you girls so much, because he didn't have the energy to fight for Maw Maw and it was like a LOAD lifted off him (which anything him lifted off him is a ton lifted off me). THEN while we are setting up her room the hospital called and said we needed to get down there.. LMAO Maw maw knew she was going home so that woman done packed her stuff and was on her way... She wasn't waiting on anyone. See this stubbornness is genetic. When I got there and heard what the "problem" was I could not help but laugh. She however did not think it was as funny. I think just both of them being at home will be the biggest and best dose of medication either of them could get.

My prayers are now with my mother because as of tomorrow she will totally have her hands full. I pray God give her the strength to carry own the way she has been. Maw Maw smiled today for the first time since I have seen her at Clay Co. hospital when I jumped on the bed and told her she was coming home. That made daddy so happy, just to know she was coming home. See Momma having stubborn daughters does pay off sometimes! :-)

Tyler gets fitted for his T-ball uniform tommorrow, I am so excited for him! Bless him he can not wait!

That was my day.. How was yours?

Love,
Karen

The Greatest Man...

"The Greatest Man", this song just tears me to shreds. Reminds me of my daddy, how he never let us know how much he and my mother worked to give us children everything we wanted. My daddy was never big on sentimental words. I remember the first time he told me he loved me, when I almost killed myself in a car wreck, and I am sure scared them to death. I was driving too fast on County Road 7 in Clay County (before we even lived there), I had only had my car a week, but of course I knew what I doing, took a curve too fast, ran up a tree, flipped the car a few times, threw my friend out of the car and I woke up upside down in the backseat. Don't remember much about the details. I remember Tami being mad because they had to cut her jeans and I remember Clay County Hospital getting us mixed up because we had the same birthday, same hospital, same day, same year, same color hair, only difference was I had blue eyes and was shorter and I remember the lady whose tree I hit, making my daddy buy her a new tree and him going off because he almost lost his daughter and I remember some kind guy, wish I knew who he was, who covered me with his jacket, Oh and someone stole my pager (because I was so cool) and it was returned to me like a year later.. ha!

I don't remember why I started this story, just one of those random moments, I started to write about. You all who know me and know the severity of all of my situations. The love my parents shown me and the things I knew nothing about are the reason I am who I am at this point. I never knew how good I had things. I never knew how much I took for granted. If I could take it all back I would but I can't, all I can do is give my children the best life God will allow me to. This is why no matter the hurt, my patience has to be strong. If only I could post a list of things "I" wanted, the truth would be shown, however I will not belittle others for my own gratification. I just trust that the lord has my life in his hands and he apparently knows I can handle a great deal, because he does not give us more than we can handle. I don't wish to be a hero or put on a pedestal or sympathized, I asked for most of what I got and as for the rest, I just want the health of my dad and grandmother to improve, I don't care what it takes.

You can be my hero

I haven't told a Tyler story in a while, today was one of the sweetest (and I had witnesses.. whoo hoo). Tyler, Belle, Sarah, Steven, and myself were downstairs in Sarah's living room and Ty was coloring and he came to the couch and decided to "give out superhero powers", He got the power of lightening *WHAM*, Belle got the power of like some screaching words.. *Whoopppp*. Then he said and Mommy, "Your superhero power is you have a superhero heart". You guys have NO idea how much that touched me.. brings tears to my eyes, that was some hard core emotion right there. My sweet sweet boy. You will have to ask Sarah and Steven what thier powers were because they were not as cool as mine.. haha! :-)

Last Day of Treatment

Today was the last official day of my dad's cancer treatment. He had a cancer treatment graduation , pomp and circumstance and to boot. I try to think positive thoughts but when you get to a certain personal level it is hard to be optimistic. It is much easier cheering from the sidelines. Right now his biggest worry is not for himself, but for MawMaw, who is still not eating. I truly believe she would thrive better at home, where she could have more constant care and more support and having her there would make my dad feel better, but she can't be released if she will not eat. That, we will have to work on. Sarah is going to make dinner for everyone tomorrow night and take MawMaw some real food and see if she will eat that. It is also James' birthday! He is 25!! Happy Birthday brother!

I feel like lately I HAVE to blog or I am going to forget something, because my mind is racing in a million different directions and if I don't get it down then I may forget a moment that I will later regret, but if I forgot then how could I regret.. see this is how my mind works? I have no idea. I forgot what day of the week it was this week and honestly that was scary for me, that I have to add up days in my head to remember which day I am on. I am just thankful for this little blog of mine to put things "down on paper".

25 Random Things

25 RANDOM THINGS

1. I am married to my complete and polar opposite, but it works :-)

2. We have 2 polar opposite kids, (1 has dark skin and brown eyes and 1 has light skin and blue eyes, one is very tall, one is shorter, one is content to play alone, one runs at 150% all day long.. etc..)

3. I have a pretty hectic life right now, stress is an understatement, but blessed none the less.

4. I have the most wonderful, well rounded, most loyal, unique, diverse group of friends I have ever met.

5. I have the smallest family of anyone I know, but the greatest love! :-)

6. I have ADD, but I amuse myself with it at times, going in circles.

7. Flip Flops are my favorite and I do think they are acceptable with every outfit, why else would they come in every color and design.. hello?

8. My new favorite reality shows are Sober House on VH1 and DEA on Spike.. ironic?

9. I love October

10. I love my blog, however simple and meaningless it may be to you, it is my way to let it out, document and remember. http://karencw.blogspot.com/

11. I am way too excited for the kids starting sports! Belle will be playing soccer and Tyler will be playing T-ball.. I think it is so cute! Wait does that make me a soccer mom?

12. The word Cancer makes my stomach twist.

13. I can be very sensitive, esp. when it comes to things I take personally or have worked hard at.

14. I threw away my work in the 1st grade and Mrs. Pace made me dig it out of the trash can (it was a TALL trashcan too) then tell my mom who was teaching down the hall what I did! :-( (what can I say.. model student)

15. Rodents are disgusting (in my opinon but sorry that is how I feel)

16. I have a Q-Tip fetish.. it is very extensive and I can not stop using.

17. I love music and most songs within the first chords I can remember where I was when I first heard it, how I felt, who was there and what I was doing. Music is powerful to me. I can also memorize a song pretty much the 1st time I hear it, (this would be why my parents got me my multiplication tables on CD:-))

18. I think women should be all liberated and what have you but chivalry should not be dead. Who doesn't want a knight in shining armour to come to the rescue because thier big mouth got them in trouble! :-)

19. I want my house to be spotless. (Want being the key word here) I do not however LIKE to clean (...knight in shining armour enter here...), unless it is like 2 am and I am stressed and I relieve it that way.

20. I'm opinionated about almost everything.

21. I try to put myself in others shoes and show compassion. I sometimes get too compassionate to a fault. I can not stand to see someone in need or hurting. I also can not stand to see people using the good hearted compassion of others to get attention or a "free ride".

22. I can not stand it when someone can not say a simple sentence without using profanity. I let some slip but seriously is it completely necessary to make a point?

23. I MISS the floater pharmacists! Come back!

24. I lived in Clay County and went to school in Talladega, where my parents still owned a house, so I could use that address and still go to my old school. My brother and sister went to Lineville, because we moved there when they were young enough to "start over", that is why we didn't go to school together and why a few Lineville people didn't know they had an older sister, but we lived together and had the same parents and for most of my childhood I shared a room with Sarah, who know lives with me in my basement apartement (and I LOVE the fact that she is still so close to me). Whooooo

25. OH I made it to number 25.. If I would have read this list 10 years ago I do not think 1 thing would be the same besides the love I have for my family and even that has grown to a deeper understanding. My life did not go at all as I had planned it but it did go on and if it had gone any other way I would not have the respect, the drive, the compassion, the humility, the desire, the strength, the love, the will, the chances and the spirit to be the person I am today. I will never be a perfect girl, I will always be the girl who finds the right choice by trying all the wrong ones out first, but hey at least I will never wonder what if? and I will always be me.

Love,
Karen

(taken from facebook note)

Parenting.. The Good Stuff

So as my daughter's birthday party wrapped up, my sister came up to me to ask if I was aware that my clothes, including my underwear were laying in the yard... horrified and thinking they were joking with me I went to look at the damage. Sure enough there in the bushes lay an array of clothes, I looked up and thought well that is a perfect view for our party goers. So as we investigated how in the world they got them outside we looked up and noticed the side of the screen over my bedroom window was slightly opened.. hmmmmm what could possibly make them think pushing clothes out of a tiny hole would be fun? I never know, but I was too amused at the creativity to be mad, so all I could do was shake my head. You have got to love this stuff.

In the previous week, Belle, my gorgeous, precious, daughter was sick and had to have ear drops and nasal drops to suction out her nose. At bedtime I went to get the medicine and it was missing, as I got frustrated because I could not find it, I started gathering dishes to be washed later on. As I picked up 1 glass I noticed a sock in a cup as I removed the sock, there is Belle's medicines. She stood there looking innocent as can be, when I asked her Belle where is your medicine, she answers, In that cup, I don't like it. My smart child, hiding yucky medicine at 2 years old.

As I write these stories reminds me of all the love I have in my heart for my children, they are precious and never ever cease to amaze me.

Love,
Karen

Day 23 of Radiation

At my dad's radiation appointment today he was in such pain and was having such adverse reactions to treatments they have decided to discontinue treatment. He has been put on stronger pain killers to make him more comfortable, cream for his skin and another medication for his stomach. His chemo pump is still in place and was refilled today for 7 more days. So that will be the last of that, unless things change, which in this type situation things often do. He was sent for X-rays to see what is causing the pain, tomorrow they will receive the results. I have never seen my dad so weak and in such pain. He asks my mother to lay with him and just hold his hand. He is now in so much pain he isn't able to make the trips to see my grandmother and bless his heart, there are some heartless people that do not understand. My father himself is facing death and his more pain than I can imagine , he has been so brave and put his pain and cancer on the back burner to care for MawMaw and how dare anyone hold it against him that he can not physically make it there. During this experience I have seen the kindest hearted people right along with the coldest hearted, I only hope those people are NEVER faced with this type tragedy. Not 1 but 2 close family members with terminal diagnosis, not enough people to go around and trying to figure out every way to finance everything. Trust me when I say this is not a place to throw judgement. My job as well as others are not sympathetic to this situation, as it is not their own and all they know is they need me there, and I of course need the money, again torn.

I went and visited MawMaw today, she was still quite confused and wasn't eating. Her room had my artwork of pictures stuck to the wall and she told me who everyone in the pictures were, I think she knows something isn't right with my dad because she kept asking where he was, I called him and let her talk to him, a few minutes later she asked me where he was. I did manage to get her to eat a Nutri-Grain bar and drink some Sierra Mist (her new favorite drink), I had to hunt down at a gas station. The only way I got her to eat was to tell her I wasn't leaving until she finished every bite, and how late it was getting and I had to drive home to see my babies. :-) I figured whatever works, right? It worked so it was for the greater good. She is so precious to me. They both are I have been researching and searching for help and answers for my family, hopefully our prayers will soon be answered.
Love,
Karen

Freakin Sick...

So my new place to hang out seems to be the doctor's office. Between Belle, myself, my dad, grandmother, I get to visit some doctor somewhere several times a week. Belle is better thank goodness for antibiotics and I am getting better thankfully, I know you mothers out there know, nothing seems to work if mom is sick and NOTHING gets done either, there is no rest for the mothers.

I talked to my dad today, he said MawMaw is not eating, she thinks someone is poisoning her food and sometimes she just will not eat it. I am not sure what will come of that. Like I posted earlier the chemo/radiation is really taking a toll on my dad, he is so sick, his skin is reacting to all the radiation, today was his 21st round of radiation. Unfortunately all they can do at this point is prescribe him more medication to make him comfortable. I keep praying for things to look up and I know things happen for a reason, so my trust is in God's hands.

Thanks as always to those of you who follow along and continue to pray for my family. The heart of others are what is helping us along at this time. I would love to get back to writing my cynical/funny blogs instead of these that bring such bad news. XOXO

Love,
Karen

3 am huh?

I picked up Belle's cake today and it is BEAUTIFUL! The girls as For goodness Cakes, did a wonderful job! I am still trying to muster up the energy to clean the rest of the house for Belle's party but it is just not looking promising! Being sick stinks especially when you are the mommy! I can't wait to post pictures from tommorrow and I am sorry for all of those that are going to miss it, I know there is so much illness going around and I hope each and every one of you feel better soon!
Muah!
Karen

Everything Must Fall To Pieces, Before it Can Go Back Together

The combination of stress and chemo have started to get to my dad. He has started having nosebleeds and his hands have broken out and he is tired and is having stomach problems, but still manages to have a good outlook. I can not stand it, to hear him sick, just to know everything that is going on makes me feel sick. Somedays it feels like my world will soon stop spinning. (Dramatic I know, but my life as I know it, right now has no shortage of dramatics). I just want to make everything better. I pray for things to be boring again.

MawMaw was transferred today. When she arrived at the hospital, she wanted to know why she wasn't taken to her mother's house. Another step back in recovery. We are all so worried about her. Just a few days ago things were looking better, now we are back at square one. When I was there and could spend time with her, she was getting better, I made sure she ate and drank, and looked at pictures and worked on her memory. So I can not help but feel a small bit responsible for the set back. Between work and family, I feel like I am being streched in a million directions. I can not stand the feeling that I have to chose between working and paying our bills and feeding my children and giving my grandmother a better quality of life. I wish I had a book of answers. How is this even happening? Our family is so small.. so small.. I have 1 grandparent left, 2 cousins who live in another state, one I have never met, my parents, 1 brother, 1 sister, my husband and 2 kids.. that is it.. That is our family. That is why our bond is so tight. We have always only had each other.

I am trying so hard even with these developments to get in the right mind set for Belle to have a party. How can we have a party and be happy? She deserves it and I pray so hard, just to have the strength. That is my prayer request for strength.

Love,
Karen

Promises

Today was a promising day. Steven and I took Tyler and Belle to Birmingham to see Maw Maw and she was sitting up in a chair, she was alert and oriented and for the first time since the stoke/seizures, she talked like my Maw Maw. She will be transferred tomorrow from Birmingham to Clay County where she will have rehab and she will also be closer to all of us, thank goodness. I don't think any of us could stand her being so far away alone. I will not try to pretend that I am not scared or devastated. Two of the most important people in my life, are both now terminal, I just have to figure out how to capture every moment, how to show my children the same love and dedication they showed me. If I am half the person they are I would be amazing. Keep praying for my family, not just Maw Maw and Daddy but also my mother, I know she must be tired but she keeps going. I am so proud to be a part of such a strong family.

Now on to another fab week at work! I can hardley wait!
Love,
Karen

It Can't Rain Forever.

In the week since I have last blogged, so much has changed yet, everything is pretty much the same. MawMaw is still in the hospital, but she is out of ICU. She has a private room on a regular unit and she should be transfered to a local hospital Monday. However she has been so confused and it is so heartbreaking. I didn't let her see me cry though, I will always be strong in front of them until I break. I decorated her room with as many pictures as I could and the results were amazing. She hugged me as we left and told me in my ear, I would never know how much she loved me and that I always knew how to fix things and make them better and I assured her she would never know how much I loved her. Her mind seems to come and go, but is better know than a few days ago, I will continue to try and keep her mind sharp as often as I can, I will not give up on her, she would never give up on me. I'm taking the kids to see her tommorrow, I know she will love that.

My dad has started to feel the effects of chemo and has started to feel sick. Not that having cancer and going through chemo and radiation and having your mother sick in the hospital... I can not imagine what he is going through. He is so tough and so selfless, he and my mother have been driving over 300 miles a day, to make it to his radiation, leave there drive to B'ham to be with MawMaw then all the way back home.. everyday. My daddy and my MawMaw are 2 of the most important people in my life, and mean the world to me, they were always there for me, always there when I needed anything, always on my side, they both are 2 of the kindest, kindest hearted, precious people and it is painful to see them unwell. Both are terminal, both are under the care of my mother, who is being quite the trooper, taking care of everyone.

My husband is still waiting on his employer to call him back to work, but looking for other employment in the meantime. However it is a stressful situation but we will work it out.

People have asked me how I handle all of this stress plus the daily stress of work and kids. It is both the easiest and hardest few months I have faced, It is hard seeing people you love hurting, but my family means everything to me so the easiest decision is to do whatever it takes to make things better.

We are excited for the end of the month, when we have a trip to Gatlinburg planned. I believe our family deserves that. It will be a much needed vacation.

We also have Belle's party coming up next weeked and that should be lots of fun. Until next time..

Love,
Karen

January 31, 2009 Deja' What?

It felt like Deja Vu getting the call that MawMaw was being taken to the hospital, not a good feeling to get over again. She was taken to the hospital with signs of a stroke. While at the hospital she had 2 terrible seizures, that I was in the room for. That was a terrifying sight. She was taken to Trinity Hospital and put in NeuroICU for the second time in 6 weeks. I don't know when it all ends but I have to say it sucks. My hope right now is simply for everyone to get healthy and be happy. Perhaps that is in the near future.