Everything Must Fall To Pieces, Before it Can Go Back Together

The combination of stress and chemo have started to get to my dad. He has started having nosebleeds and his hands have broken out and he is tired and is having stomach problems, but still manages to have a good outlook. I can not stand it, to hear him sick, just to know everything that is going on makes me feel sick. Somedays it feels like my world will soon stop spinning. (Dramatic I know, but my life as I know it, right now has no shortage of dramatics). I just want to make everything better. I pray for things to be boring again.

MawMaw was transferred today. When she arrived at the hospital, she wanted to know why she wasn't taken to her mother's house. Another step back in recovery. We are all so worried about her. Just a few days ago things were looking better, now we are back at square one. When I was there and could spend time with her, she was getting better, I made sure she ate and drank, and looked at pictures and worked on her memory. So I can not help but feel a small bit responsible for the set back. Between work and family, I feel like I am being streched in a million directions. I can not stand the feeling that I have to chose between working and paying our bills and feeding my children and giving my grandmother a better quality of life. I wish I had a book of answers. How is this even happening? Our family is so small.. so small.. I have 1 grandparent left, 2 cousins who live in another state, one I have never met, my parents, 1 brother, 1 sister, my husband and 2 kids.. that is it.. That is our family. That is why our bond is so tight. We have always only had each other.

I am trying so hard even with these developments to get in the right mind set for Belle to have a party. How can we have a party and be happy? She deserves it and I pray so hard, just to have the strength. That is my prayer request for strength.

Love,
Karen