It has in fact been awhile...

It has been a few months since I have blogged. I have not felt like it or really had the time and to be honest was afraid if I continued to blog after April, I would break down. Here is where I am right now. My grandmother that I adored so and blogged on her recovery, passed a way a few weeks ago. It was more than heartbreaking. It could not hurt more if I had lost my mother, because she was so much like a mother to me. I am still working in the pharmacy for the time being, it is so hard juggling being a mother of 2 small children while dealing with effing tradgedy and working. I do not know the solution and I am not sure if there is one. I have to make money, have to, but at what point is it no longer worth it. I would live on the streets if it would bring my MawMaw back or cure my dads cancer, but I do know that is not a fix either. My dad is no longer on chemo. Here a note I posted on that:
She meant the world to me. For so many years my family was her world and for the last months my world revolved around her. She was more than a grandmother, she was like a 2nd mother. It was her that took me to my first day of school, she is the one who took care of us when we were sick, she put calamine lotion on our chicken pox, when our house burnt to the ground, she is the one who helped us get furniture for our new home. SHE was ALWAYS there and that is so hard thing to swallow. In a way I feel so lucky to have gotten 28 years with such an amazing, generous, kind, christian, woman, but at the same time that is what makes letting go so hard. I know at some point we all have to go, I just wasn't ready for that time to come. I truely believed she was getting better. I remember the last time I saw her coherant was 2 days before she was rushed to the hospital, she stuck her toungue out at me because I told her I liked her ride. The call I recieved that Friday, I thought it was something else we would overcome, however when I met the ambulance I knew that wasn't the case. She had kidney failure and a lot of fluid built up, there just wasn't a lot to do but make her comfortable and she fought for 5 days and that is when the lord called her up. That morning I cried, but not for long, after all there was so much to do. Both parents were in the hospital and MawMaw died. They were able to wheel my dad down to her room, as soon as he entered the room, she took her last breath. My dad was hospitalized for internal bleeding again and liver problems steming from the cancer. My mother had pneumonia and cellulitis, which they originally thought was a heart attack, thank the lord that was not the case. My dad was released the next day and my mom was released the afternoon before the viewing. This time has been so difficult and if I could reach only one person and tell them to make sure those you love, know just how much they mean to you. Never let a good deed go with out a thank you, let people know you care. These are the "highlights" of the last month, I know some of you were wanting updates. Right now the course of action with my dad is he is healing, getting over the last hospital visit and the death of his mother, then he and his oncologist will decide what move to make next. My mom is doing better and followed up with the doctors and is going through some testing and medications. So maybe she will feel up to par soon. Myself, while dealing with this all I am trying so hard to not become bitter and it is a hard thing. I love many people but nothing what I have for my family and sometimes it does feel like those I love the most are being taken from me one by one and everything good is fading.You would not believe it but my father, myself, we have been picked a part on every aspect of our lives lately. People have caused him such heartache over how to deal with MawMaw's thing. money, house, here is the deal, it is his, he is her only son and point blank he will do with it as he sees fit, end of story, and I think it is SICK to want to worry someone as sick as he is while he is dealing with the loss of his mother. Picking me apart, just as sick, but I can not be bothered by those who do not even matter in this situation. Be kind to others you never know when you may have to walk in their shoes, no one is immune to tradgedy. Keep a sympathetic heart and an open mind! My world was great this time last year and it has taken every bit of effort just to make it through each day since November. Things can change in a blink of an eye! I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it isn't a train!"You don't know when, where or how you will die, you can decide how you live, NOW"
Love Always,
Karen
And always thank you to so many who have supported me, listened, or just were there in body or spirit!