Everything Must Fall To Pieces, Before it Can Go Back Together

The combination of stress and chemo have started to get to my dad. He has started having nosebleeds and his hands have broken out and he is tired and is having stomach problems, but still manages to have a good outlook. I can not stand it, to hear him sick, just to know everything that is going on makes me feel sick. Somedays it feels like my world will soon stop spinning. (Dramatic I know, but my life as I know it, right now has no shortage of dramatics). I just want to make everything better. I pray for things to be boring again.

MawMaw was transferred today. When she arrived at the hospital, she wanted to know why she wasn't taken to her mother's house. Another step back in recovery. We are all so worried about her. Just a few days ago things were looking better, now we are back at square one. When I was there and could spend time with her, she was getting better, I made sure she ate and drank, and looked at pictures and worked on her memory. So I can not help but feel a small bit responsible for the set back. Between work and family, I feel like I am being streched in a million directions. I can not stand the feeling that I have to chose between working and paying our bills and feeding my children and giving my grandmother a better quality of life. I wish I had a book of answers. How is this even happening? Our family is so small.. so small.. I have 1 grandparent left, 2 cousins who live in another state, one I have never met, my parents, 1 brother, 1 sister, my husband and 2 kids.. that is it.. That is our family. That is why our bond is so tight. We have always only had each other.

I am trying so hard even with these developments to get in the right mind set for Belle to have a party. How can we have a party and be happy? She deserves it and I pray so hard, just to have the strength. That is my prayer request for strength.

Love,
Karen

Promises

Today was a promising day. Steven and I took Tyler and Belle to Birmingham to see Maw Maw and she was sitting up in a chair, she was alert and oriented and for the first time since the stoke/seizures, she talked like my Maw Maw. She will be transferred tomorrow from Birmingham to Clay County where she will have rehab and she will also be closer to all of us, thank goodness. I don't think any of us could stand her being so far away alone. I will not try to pretend that I am not scared or devastated. Two of the most important people in my life, are both now terminal, I just have to figure out how to capture every moment, how to show my children the same love and dedication they showed me. If I am half the person they are I would be amazing. Keep praying for my family, not just Maw Maw and Daddy but also my mother, I know she must be tired but she keeps going. I am so proud to be a part of such a strong family.

Now on to another fab week at work! I can hardley wait!
Love,
Karen

It Can't Rain Forever.

In the week since I have last blogged, so much has changed yet, everything is pretty much the same. MawMaw is still in the hospital, but she is out of ICU. She has a private room on a regular unit and she should be transfered to a local hospital Monday. However she has been so confused and it is so heartbreaking. I didn't let her see me cry though, I will always be strong in front of them until I break. I decorated her room with as many pictures as I could and the results were amazing. She hugged me as we left and told me in my ear, I would never know how much she loved me and that I always knew how to fix things and make them better and I assured her she would never know how much I loved her. Her mind seems to come and go, but is better know than a few days ago, I will continue to try and keep her mind sharp as often as I can, I will not give up on her, she would never give up on me. I'm taking the kids to see her tommorrow, I know she will love that.

My dad has started to feel the effects of chemo and has started to feel sick. Not that having cancer and going through chemo and radiation and having your mother sick in the hospital... I can not imagine what he is going through. He is so tough and so selfless, he and my mother have been driving over 300 miles a day, to make it to his radiation, leave there drive to B'ham to be with MawMaw then all the way back home.. everyday. My daddy and my MawMaw are 2 of the most important people in my life, and mean the world to me, they were always there for me, always there when I needed anything, always on my side, they both are 2 of the kindest, kindest hearted, precious people and it is painful to see them unwell. Both are terminal, both are under the care of my mother, who is being quite the trooper, taking care of everyone.

My husband is still waiting on his employer to call him back to work, but looking for other employment in the meantime. However it is a stressful situation but we will work it out.

People have asked me how I handle all of this stress plus the daily stress of work and kids. It is both the easiest and hardest few months I have faced, It is hard seeing people you love hurting, but my family means everything to me so the easiest decision is to do whatever it takes to make things better.

We are excited for the end of the month, when we have a trip to Gatlinburg planned. I believe our family deserves that. It will be a much needed vacation.

We also have Belle's party coming up next weeked and that should be lots of fun. Until next time..

Love,
Karen

January 31, 2009 Deja' What?

It felt like Deja Vu getting the call that MawMaw was being taken to the hospital, not a good feeling to get over again. She was taken to the hospital with signs of a stroke. While at the hospital she had 2 terrible seizures, that I was in the room for. That was a terrifying sight. She was taken to Trinity Hospital and put in NeuroICU for the second time in 6 weeks. I don't know when it all ends but I have to say it sucks. My hope right now is simply for everyone to get healthy and be happy. Perhaps that is in the near future.