Circus part2

I am so confused, how can 1 person be so happy and yet so sad at the same time? How is it possible to feel so many emotions at the same time? Many people asked about a statement I made in a blog about my daddy about someone making a comment about it not being true, that person was a pharmacist, an adult, a person I had only worked with 1 time prior to this day, a simple fill in pharmacist, and she decided that the idea of my father having cancer was absured and MUST be a lie, she told everyone before I had a chance to about this "lie" I was telling. If only it were a lie, if only it were an excuse to leave work then that would mean that everything would now be OK and my daddy would not be dying. I am not saying that his illness is any less tragic than anyone elses parents because anyone trying to take this in must hurt. If I could take it all away I would. Why do I feel guilty? Because my father is a good man, no he is a great man that so does not deserve this. He is the kindest, most reserved and respective person I have ever met. He spent his adult life as a teacher, not because he wanted to but because his parents thought that was the best career for him and he didn't want to dissapoint them, which ultimately made him decide to never tell us what would be the best future choices for us his own children. What reward did he get from all of those years of teaching? Nothing.. he was miserable, he was treated like crap, just because he was so timid and kind hearted he was run over by students and staff, if you think this doesn't break my heart it does, these are all things held deep inside like I said previously and now I am choosing to express. Was it fun? Was it fun to be mean to teachers you thought you could? Was it worth it? What if it were your parent? What if your parent was the one you hear stories about all of the mean things kids did to him, would it be funny then? Is it so funny to know you wore him down, it was so much fun to make him mad, to take advantage, good for you, I hope Karma pays you a visit and something just as funny happens to you and the world laughs while you are miserable, like he did.. laugh it up... So he taught until he could not take it anymore, he made my senior year in high school his final year of teaching, which was more than a load lifted off of his shoulders. He then got a job with the US Postal service and for the first time ever he LOVED his job, he loved meeting all of the people at the post offices he filled in, but there was one... who thought it best to make him feel beneath him. Why? Because he was an easy target? Is that why? What could you possibly get from constantly hurting another person, he already has a complex about being a push over and he shouldn't, being nice is not a bad thing, some people just feel powerful by hurting others. I never knew any of these things until a few years ago, because he never wanted his hurt show. I just pray he knows in the depths of his heart how much he means to me, and I don't think he is a push over, I think he is wonderful, he is my daddy and would not pick another for that title if I could. Now he is faced with cancer and why? Again was he an easy target? Why not get me? Then at least it would be a bit more justified? I was the "bad" child, the black sheep if you will, I made all the wrong choices, I was loud and unruley unlike my parents who were so quiet, shy and reserved. I made them worry, I am the reason he worked a job he could not stand, it was to give me all the things I "HAD" to have, I am the one who wrecked all the cars and he even though I did not deserve it replaced them and he no matter what I did still stood by me, replacing what I broke, helping me out of everything I got my self in too and now he needs help and there is NOTHING I can do. I am just pissed there is nothing I can do to fix this. I just do not get the justification. Whatever happened to things being simple? I don't want sympathy or whatever.. I just want this fixed.. everything fixed.How did life get so complicated? Your best friends are more like family and somehow love you even when you are having a crazy blogging moment where you decide it is a good idea to spill your guts to the world or a small group of people. Oh lord. The people you used to know are not the ones you ever knew at all, everything changes and things stay the same at the same time