Friends in the workplace...

Do you think you could balance a friendship with someone you also work with? I think the answer is no. First of all in the workplace you have to have a certain level of respect for the people you work with, a different kind of respect than the people you are friends with. I have learned the lesson time and time again, as I have gotten friends jobs at my place of employment and found myself loathing them being there because I do not work like I hang out and hanging out is what you are used to doing with your friends. It is a complete different scenario if you become friends with a stranger that you work with, I have seen this go both ways. Either you gain respect for the person as a co-worker and become great friends or once the other person feels comfortable with you (as a friend), they don't mind stepping on you or throwing you under the bus to make themselves feel and look better. This issue arises again and again and somehow I can not make myself comprehend, so not befriend your co-workers, this could go very bad. But I seem to always think people are generally good people until I am slapped in the face with reality.

Men in Uniforms?

(Back to the blogging you come here to read)

So I know we have all heard the statement "I love a man in uniform". I think I heard this as a young child and my mother's infatuation with "An Officer and a Gentleman", took me to a completely different place than most. When most people use that phrase they are generally speaking about men serving in the armed forces, don't get me wrong those are great too, but I wonder why let it stop there.

My first man in uniform, we will call him Jay. I was 16 and he was probably too old for me, but I think that uniform did it for me. He came in the store I worked daily and I was smitten. I didn't act on that feeling, nor did the fact that the uniform he wore belonged to the oil changing place, change how I felt. Like I said, uniforms are uniforms, right?

Next we had the one we will call, Tim, Oh Tim.. hmmm he was a looker, and the uniform rawr! I am telling you these uniforms are like status symbols right? This one I did have a relationship with and was my first love, well until he broke my heart into a million pieces when he decided it would be a good idea, to hurt me to have sex with one of my friends, this friend also was the one holding me while I cried because I didn't know who this "mystery" girl was that ruined my world. Trust me I got the better end of the deal by this loser dumping me. I sooo should have learned from this. This charmer wore the uniform from the Auto Parts store, but I didn't care.

Now I did not let infatuation end with guys who changed oil, fixed your car, or served our country, but I took it to a whole new levels as saw fit. I can not think of one occupation of a man wearing a uniform that does not make me smile. It may sound trivial but as I got older and reflect back I wonder why in the world this happened. Alas I think I have the answer, what do all of these people have in common? They are all employed, meaning they all have jobs, and there it is posted on their clothing along with their names and freshly starched shirts, a statement that says, hey chick, look at me I am stable and I can take care of you and you can wash my uniforms. Even an inmate, even though it is not a respected one, they too have jobs and uniforms. To be young again, I was naive as they come. For some reason I believed a prince charming would come riding in wearing his super cool uniform and save the day. Just one of those fantasies I had in my mind.

This was just one of the many things as a teenager that made me different, my thoughts on people are quite possibly the one thing that kept me out of the "in" crowd. I was interested by everyone and how they thought and felt. What makes people tick. There were so many "groups" of people. We had at my school, the In crowd, the artsy people, the super smart people, the ones that wore black, the outcasts, the band people, the jocks, and a few more. Where did I fit in, in the scheme of these, I don't really think I did, I can think of friends I had from each group and how does this tie in with this blog? Because like the men I was so infatuated with, these people too wore uniforms, just not the ones with name tags. The In crowd displayed their uniforms through the best clothes, the band people wore band, dance line, majorette uniforms, the artsy people wore tie dyed clothing and had hacky sacks, the black wearing crowd, wore of course black and trench coats and black eyeliner, Me? lol I was fine in a sweat shirt and blue jeans. BUT as I looked at each of these groups those uniforms made them special, you could see what group they belonged to because of their uniforms. So which one of these guys did I end up with, well first I married a self proclaimed stoner and however his status and him being so different from me, I loved him, that unfortunately did not last. Now for the last 6 years I have been married to and have to children by.... this was very shocking even to me... the one from the black wearing crowd. He had long hair and the trench coat and all, who would have known right. You just never know. I have no idea which uniform my children will wear, but I know that whatever they choose will be perfect as long as they are happy and are being themselves!

My lesson learned was it is not the uniform worn, It IS the people underneath it that make it.
I guess long story short, don't judge a book by its cover or its uhm uniform!

Until next time

It has in fact been awhile...

It has been a few months since I have blogged. I have not felt like it or really had the time and to be honest was afraid if I continued to blog after April, I would break down. Here is where I am right now. My grandmother that I adored so and blogged on her recovery, passed a way a few weeks ago. It was more than heartbreaking. It could not hurt more if I had lost my mother, because she was so much like a mother to me. I am still working in the pharmacy for the time being, it is so hard juggling being a mother of 2 small children while dealing with effing tradgedy and working. I do not know the solution and I am not sure if there is one. I have to make money, have to, but at what point is it no longer worth it. I would live on the streets if it would bring my MawMaw back or cure my dads cancer, but I do know that is not a fix either. My dad is no longer on chemo. Here a note I posted on that:
She meant the world to me. For so many years my family was her world and for the last months my world revolved around her. She was more than a grandmother, she was like a 2nd mother. It was her that took me to my first day of school, she is the one who took care of us when we were sick, she put calamine lotion on our chicken pox, when our house burnt to the ground, she is the one who helped us get furniture for our new home. SHE was ALWAYS there and that is so hard thing to swallow. In a way I feel so lucky to have gotten 28 years with such an amazing, generous, kind, christian, woman, but at the same time that is what makes letting go so hard. I know at some point we all have to go, I just wasn't ready for that time to come. I truely believed she was getting better. I remember the last time I saw her coherant was 2 days before she was rushed to the hospital, she stuck her toungue out at me because I told her I liked her ride. The call I recieved that Friday, I thought it was something else we would overcome, however when I met the ambulance I knew that wasn't the case. She had kidney failure and a lot of fluid built up, there just wasn't a lot to do but make her comfortable and she fought for 5 days and that is when the lord called her up. That morning I cried, but not for long, after all there was so much to do. Both parents were in the hospital and MawMaw died. They were able to wheel my dad down to her room, as soon as he entered the room, she took her last breath. My dad was hospitalized for internal bleeding again and liver problems steming from the cancer. My mother had pneumonia and cellulitis, which they originally thought was a heart attack, thank the lord that was not the case. My dad was released the next day and my mom was released the afternoon before the viewing. This time has been so difficult and if I could reach only one person and tell them to make sure those you love, know just how much they mean to you. Never let a good deed go with out a thank you, let people know you care. These are the "highlights" of the last month, I know some of you were wanting updates. Right now the course of action with my dad is he is healing, getting over the last hospital visit and the death of his mother, then he and his oncologist will decide what move to make next. My mom is doing better and followed up with the doctors and is going through some testing and medications. So maybe she will feel up to par soon. Myself, while dealing with this all I am trying so hard to not become bitter and it is a hard thing. I love many people but nothing what I have for my family and sometimes it does feel like those I love the most are being taken from me one by one and everything good is fading.You would not believe it but my father, myself, we have been picked a part on every aspect of our lives lately. People have caused him such heartache over how to deal with MawMaw's thing. money, house, here is the deal, it is his, he is her only son and point blank he will do with it as he sees fit, end of story, and I think it is SICK to want to worry someone as sick as he is while he is dealing with the loss of his mother. Picking me apart, just as sick, but I can not be bothered by those who do not even matter in this situation. Be kind to others you never know when you may have to walk in their shoes, no one is immune to tradgedy. Keep a sympathetic heart and an open mind! My world was great this time last year and it has taken every bit of effort just to make it through each day since November. Things can change in a blink of an eye! I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope it isn't a train!"You don't know when, where or how you will die, you can decide how you live, NOW"
Love Always,
Karen
And always thank you to so many who have supported me, listened, or just were there in body or spirit!

Fairytales....

What little girl didn't love to hear fairy tales, tales of princesses, prince charming, fairies, wishes and dreams coming true. Here are the 2 definitions I found for fairy tales.
fairytale: a story about fairies; told to amuse children
fairytale: an interesting but highly implausible story; often told as an excuse.
Hmm... I should have read the disclaimer first, "This story is clearly for your amusement only, not true or plausible."

Cinderella: Father dies (not amusing), Raised by evil stepmother (not amused), made her clean 24/7 (what kinda people wrote this). Then her fairy godmother grants her wish to go to the ball, no no she did not wish to be free of the idiots she lived with, she wanted her a man. (Can you see where this is going). The prince maybe charming but that is all he did, the girls had to suffer to be with them. Cinderella was locked in a room, Aerial lost her voice and flipper, Aurora was put in a freaking coma, Jasmine ran away from home and was chained up and had to kiss that creepy guy, Rapunzel must have had a heck of a headache from everyone climbing on her hair, Geez. And what does Mr. Charming do, gallops in on his horse and saves the day. Wow guy... glad you could show up now, I could have used you when I was being broke down and sold as a slave. But apparently one kiss from this guy makes you forget everything and you live happily every after. WHAT?

"There is no Prince Charming.
He isn't coming to take you to the ball, rescue you from a watchtower, or save you from your evil stepmother.
You'll be lucky if you can get him to take out the trash.
Nothing is turning into a pumpkin but a damn seed.
If you are a fish, you will stay that way. No kiss will change that."

My mind this minute...

1. Why did I pay 70 dollars to watch my son play in the dirt? He can do that at home for FREE! Apparently T-ball is not as interesting as he thought, but he promises to keep trying.

2. Why when you are young you can not wait to grow up and when you become old you would give your right arm to be young?

3. With every passing day of being a parent myself, I think.. ohhh my poor parents and I find myself calling to confess to things I am sure they never wanted to know but well they do now. Fears confirmed.

4. "They" always say you get back what you gave to your parents, if that is true... I am in more trouble than I can handle.

5. By the way who are "They" and how do they always know everything.?

6. My son will not run with the ball at practice. I tried to tell the coach yell, "it's bedtime" and that boy will run like the wind.

7. To be contiuned.

Second Opinions Count.

I, along with my parents took Maw Maw to a geriatric doctor (doctor for the elderly) for a "2ND opinion" and to try and sort out her meds. I must say I was very impressed with this doctor. She was so kind and spent almost an hour with Maw Maw, trying to get a clearer picture. She sent for her records from Trinity and sent her for lab work and in 3 weeks we will have another appointment and get a game plan. In the meantime, we have stopped her seizure meds and a few others, to try and get her leveled out. She looked at me today and said " I love you, and I always have"... Ohhh that stuff just breaks me down. A few years ago when I first moved to Anniston Maw Maw, helped me out so much. I would not have been able to make it if it weren't for her and I would always feel bad and she would say, "You may have to help me someday." People have said, well maybe it is just her time or maybe you should give up and throw her in a nursing home. HELLO people, seriously, first of all do you know who you are talking to? I don't give up, I am so stubborn it is ridiculous and 2ND If I did give up it would not be on my family. If it were you would you want someone to take the first option if their was another answer? She told me she felt trapped like she couldn't control her mind. The doctor thinks we can "fix" most of this, which made me want to turn a flip (ya know if I could), BUT I also am realistic and know not to get my hopes up! We will see in 3 weeks! I pray her coming off the meds will help!!
Daddy is still waiting on word about an oncologist. Will update when I know more about that.
Ty is having fun with T-ball and his friend Briley is on his team, so TJ and I are so excited that the boys get to play together!
Uhmmm Miss. Belle colored herself with a pen today, that was fun to clean. Tyler was stoked that it wasn't him getting in trouble. Almost funny but not quite.

Seriously

So Tyler has started T-ball which I am super excited about! It is so sweet! He has had 2 practices and is catching and hitting the ball.. however running I hear is not his strong point.. never would have guessed it. Tell him its bedtime, trust me that boy will run.

Maw Maw has been "home" for a week now, some mild improvements but nothing drastic. Her mind breezes in and out. She may talk totally coherent and the next sentence be something totally off the wall. She doesn't want to eat. Her meds are a complete mess from so many doctors. And she refuses to sleep. My parents are completely exhausted. I went and put her to bed on Monday, and she cried for me to stay and that killed me, so I stayed until she calmed down and it is just a bad situation. She has a doctors appointment in the morning and hopefully something will come together.

My dad has started to feel a little better and they decided to put his chemo pump back in BUT (are you ready for this), his oncologist quit, like just up and left the Cancer Center. So none of those people have anyone to give their chemo. Seriously does this stuff happen to other people. So the clinic told him, they are going to try and get another oncologist to come in and if they can't get one in a week he will have to be transfered to another cancer center in another city! INSANITY. Those poor poor patients, that is so terrible. My heart goes out to them all, I know they must be scared to death.

Accomplished

OK so here is the update.
Today I was able to get 4 hours in at work, ugh then I met with Sarah and went to the hospital to try to get Maw Maw to eat and check on Daddy who is so sick right now. The doctor gave us 2 options for Maw Maw feeding tube or Nursing Home because she would not eat. Me being me didn't care much for either of those options, so it was a mission for option 3. We (Sarah and I) go down there and get her to eat 2 ensures, some chicken, mashed potatoes, a little rice, pudding, a biscuit w/jelly, some tea, some pudding and more... NOW anyone that can eat that much does NOT need a damn feeding tube, so I sat there until the doctor came in.. long story short.. she is being released in the morning and is going to my parents, we went and moved my parents dining room into their den and made the dining room a bedroom for Maw Maw, moved her bed up there, her recliner and made it feel more like "her house". And got orders from the doctor for home health to come out and physical therapy and occupational therapy to all come to my parents house and help her. SO I feel all accomplished, everyone was like high fiving each other like thank you JESUS and I was like.. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE messes with the ones I love.

Daddy had to be sent back to the cancer center today, he is not holding down food and has a fever and is so cold. When he got to the cancer center today his white blood cell count was way high, so they determined he had an infection (not good) and gave him some medicine (antibiotic for the infection and Zofran for the Nausea).. and he had lost weight since the last time I saw him. He was like I love you girls so much, because he didn't have the energy to fight for Maw Maw and it was like a LOAD lifted off him (which anything him lifted off him is a ton lifted off me). THEN while we are setting up her room the hospital called and said we needed to get down there.. LMAO Maw maw knew she was going home so that woman done packed her stuff and was on her way... She wasn't waiting on anyone. See this stubbornness is genetic. When I got there and heard what the "problem" was I could not help but laugh. She however did not think it was as funny. I think just both of them being at home will be the biggest and best dose of medication either of them could get.

My prayers are now with my mother because as of tomorrow she will totally have her hands full. I pray God give her the strength to carry own the way she has been. Maw Maw smiled today for the first time since I have seen her at Clay Co. hospital when I jumped on the bed and told her she was coming home. That made daddy so happy, just to know she was coming home. See Momma having stubborn daughters does pay off sometimes! :-)

Tyler gets fitted for his T-ball uniform tommorrow, I am so excited for him! Bless him he can not wait!

That was my day.. How was yours?

Love,
Karen

The Greatest Man...

"The Greatest Man", this song just tears me to shreds. Reminds me of my daddy, how he never let us know how much he and my mother worked to give us children everything we wanted. My daddy was never big on sentimental words. I remember the first time he told me he loved me, when I almost killed myself in a car wreck, and I am sure scared them to death. I was driving too fast on County Road 7 in Clay County (before we even lived there), I had only had my car a week, but of course I knew what I doing, took a curve too fast, ran up a tree, flipped the car a few times, threw my friend out of the car and I woke up upside down in the backseat. Don't remember much about the details. I remember Tami being mad because they had to cut her jeans and I remember Clay County Hospital getting us mixed up because we had the same birthday, same hospital, same day, same year, same color hair, only difference was I had blue eyes and was shorter and I remember the lady whose tree I hit, making my daddy buy her a new tree and him going off because he almost lost his daughter and I remember some kind guy, wish I knew who he was, who covered me with his jacket, Oh and someone stole my pager (because I was so cool) and it was returned to me like a year later.. ha!

I don't remember why I started this story, just one of those random moments, I started to write about. You all who know me and know the severity of all of my situations. The love my parents shown me and the things I knew nothing about are the reason I am who I am at this point. I never knew how good I had things. I never knew how much I took for granted. If I could take it all back I would but I can't, all I can do is give my children the best life God will allow me to. This is why no matter the hurt, my patience has to be strong. If only I could post a list of things "I" wanted, the truth would be shown, however I will not belittle others for my own gratification. I just trust that the lord has my life in his hands and he apparently knows I can handle a great deal, because he does not give us more than we can handle. I don't wish to be a hero or put on a pedestal or sympathized, I asked for most of what I got and as for the rest, I just want the health of my dad and grandmother to improve, I don't care what it takes.

You can be my hero

I haven't told a Tyler story in a while, today was one of the sweetest (and I had witnesses.. whoo hoo). Tyler, Belle, Sarah, Steven, and myself were downstairs in Sarah's living room and Ty was coloring and he came to the couch and decided to "give out superhero powers", He got the power of lightening *WHAM*, Belle got the power of like some screaching words.. *Whoopppp*. Then he said and Mommy, "Your superhero power is you have a superhero heart". You guys have NO idea how much that touched me.. brings tears to my eyes, that was some hard core emotion right there. My sweet sweet boy. You will have to ask Sarah and Steven what thier powers were because they were not as cool as mine.. haha! :-)

Last Day of Treatment

Today was the last official day of my dad's cancer treatment. He had a cancer treatment graduation , pomp and circumstance and to boot. I try to think positive thoughts but when you get to a certain personal level it is hard to be optimistic. It is much easier cheering from the sidelines. Right now his biggest worry is not for himself, but for MawMaw, who is still not eating. I truly believe she would thrive better at home, where she could have more constant care and more support and having her there would make my dad feel better, but she can't be released if she will not eat. That, we will have to work on. Sarah is going to make dinner for everyone tomorrow night and take MawMaw some real food and see if she will eat that. It is also James' birthday! He is 25!! Happy Birthday brother!

I feel like lately I HAVE to blog or I am going to forget something, because my mind is racing in a million different directions and if I don't get it down then I may forget a moment that I will later regret, but if I forgot then how could I regret.. see this is how my mind works? I have no idea. I forgot what day of the week it was this week and honestly that was scary for me, that I have to add up days in my head to remember which day I am on. I am just thankful for this little blog of mine to put things "down on paper".

25 Random Things

25 RANDOM THINGS

1. I am married to my complete and polar opposite, but it works :-)

2. We have 2 polar opposite kids, (1 has dark skin and brown eyes and 1 has light skin and blue eyes, one is very tall, one is shorter, one is content to play alone, one runs at 150% all day long.. etc..)

3. I have a pretty hectic life right now, stress is an understatement, but blessed none the less.

4. I have the most wonderful, well rounded, most loyal, unique, diverse group of friends I have ever met.

5. I have the smallest family of anyone I know, but the greatest love! :-)

6. I have ADD, but I amuse myself with it at times, going in circles.

7. Flip Flops are my favorite and I do think they are acceptable with every outfit, why else would they come in every color and design.. hello?

8. My new favorite reality shows are Sober House on VH1 and DEA on Spike.. ironic?

9. I love October

10. I love my blog, however simple and meaningless it may be to you, it is my way to let it out, document and remember. http://karencw.blogspot.com/

11. I am way too excited for the kids starting sports! Belle will be playing soccer and Tyler will be playing T-ball.. I think it is so cute! Wait does that make me a soccer mom?

12. The word Cancer makes my stomach twist.

13. I can be very sensitive, esp. when it comes to things I take personally or have worked hard at.

14. I threw away my work in the 1st grade and Mrs. Pace made me dig it out of the trash can (it was a TALL trashcan too) then tell my mom who was teaching down the hall what I did! :-( (what can I say.. model student)

15. Rodents are disgusting (in my opinon but sorry that is how I feel)

16. I have a Q-Tip fetish.. it is very extensive and I can not stop using.

17. I love music and most songs within the first chords I can remember where I was when I first heard it, how I felt, who was there and what I was doing. Music is powerful to me. I can also memorize a song pretty much the 1st time I hear it, (this would be why my parents got me my multiplication tables on CD:-))

18. I think women should be all liberated and what have you but chivalry should not be dead. Who doesn't want a knight in shining armour to come to the rescue because thier big mouth got them in trouble! :-)

19. I want my house to be spotless. (Want being the key word here) I do not however LIKE to clean (...knight in shining armour enter here...), unless it is like 2 am and I am stressed and I relieve it that way.

20. I'm opinionated about almost everything.

21. I try to put myself in others shoes and show compassion. I sometimes get too compassionate to a fault. I can not stand to see someone in need or hurting. I also can not stand to see people using the good hearted compassion of others to get attention or a "free ride".

22. I can not stand it when someone can not say a simple sentence without using profanity. I let some slip but seriously is it completely necessary to make a point?

23. I MISS the floater pharmacists! Come back!

24. I lived in Clay County and went to school in Talladega, where my parents still owned a house, so I could use that address and still go to my old school. My brother and sister went to Lineville, because we moved there when they were young enough to "start over", that is why we didn't go to school together and why a few Lineville people didn't know they had an older sister, but we lived together and had the same parents and for most of my childhood I shared a room with Sarah, who know lives with me in my basement apartement (and I LOVE the fact that she is still so close to me). Whooooo

25. OH I made it to number 25.. If I would have read this list 10 years ago I do not think 1 thing would be the same besides the love I have for my family and even that has grown to a deeper understanding. My life did not go at all as I had planned it but it did go on and if it had gone any other way I would not have the respect, the drive, the compassion, the humility, the desire, the strength, the love, the will, the chances and the spirit to be the person I am today. I will never be a perfect girl, I will always be the girl who finds the right choice by trying all the wrong ones out first, but hey at least I will never wonder what if? and I will always be me.

Love,
Karen

(taken from facebook note)

Parenting.. The Good Stuff

So as my daughter's birthday party wrapped up, my sister came up to me to ask if I was aware that my clothes, including my underwear were laying in the yard... horrified and thinking they were joking with me I went to look at the damage. Sure enough there in the bushes lay an array of clothes, I looked up and thought well that is a perfect view for our party goers. So as we investigated how in the world they got them outside we looked up and noticed the side of the screen over my bedroom window was slightly opened.. hmmmmm what could possibly make them think pushing clothes out of a tiny hole would be fun? I never know, but I was too amused at the creativity to be mad, so all I could do was shake my head. You have got to love this stuff.

In the previous week, Belle, my gorgeous, precious, daughter was sick and had to have ear drops and nasal drops to suction out her nose. At bedtime I went to get the medicine and it was missing, as I got frustrated because I could not find it, I started gathering dishes to be washed later on. As I picked up 1 glass I noticed a sock in a cup as I removed the sock, there is Belle's medicines. She stood there looking innocent as can be, when I asked her Belle where is your medicine, she answers, In that cup, I don't like it. My smart child, hiding yucky medicine at 2 years old.

As I write these stories reminds me of all the love I have in my heart for my children, they are precious and never ever cease to amaze me.

Love,
Karen

Day 23 of Radiation

At my dad's radiation appointment today he was in such pain and was having such adverse reactions to treatments they have decided to discontinue treatment. He has been put on stronger pain killers to make him more comfortable, cream for his skin and another medication for his stomach. His chemo pump is still in place and was refilled today for 7 more days. So that will be the last of that, unless things change, which in this type situation things often do. He was sent for X-rays to see what is causing the pain, tomorrow they will receive the results. I have never seen my dad so weak and in such pain. He asks my mother to lay with him and just hold his hand. He is now in so much pain he isn't able to make the trips to see my grandmother and bless his heart, there are some heartless people that do not understand. My father himself is facing death and his more pain than I can imagine , he has been so brave and put his pain and cancer on the back burner to care for MawMaw and how dare anyone hold it against him that he can not physically make it there. During this experience I have seen the kindest hearted people right along with the coldest hearted, I only hope those people are NEVER faced with this type tragedy. Not 1 but 2 close family members with terminal diagnosis, not enough people to go around and trying to figure out every way to finance everything. Trust me when I say this is not a place to throw judgement. My job as well as others are not sympathetic to this situation, as it is not their own and all they know is they need me there, and I of course need the money, again torn.

I went and visited MawMaw today, she was still quite confused and wasn't eating. Her room had my artwork of pictures stuck to the wall and she told me who everyone in the pictures were, I think she knows something isn't right with my dad because she kept asking where he was, I called him and let her talk to him, a few minutes later she asked me where he was. I did manage to get her to eat a Nutri-Grain bar and drink some Sierra Mist (her new favorite drink), I had to hunt down at a gas station. The only way I got her to eat was to tell her I wasn't leaving until she finished every bite, and how late it was getting and I had to drive home to see my babies. :-) I figured whatever works, right? It worked so it was for the greater good. She is so precious to me. They both are I have been researching and searching for help and answers for my family, hopefully our prayers will soon be answered.
Love,
Karen

Freakin Sick...

So my new place to hang out seems to be the doctor's office. Between Belle, myself, my dad, grandmother, I get to visit some doctor somewhere several times a week. Belle is better thank goodness for antibiotics and I am getting better thankfully, I know you mothers out there know, nothing seems to work if mom is sick and NOTHING gets done either, there is no rest for the mothers.

I talked to my dad today, he said MawMaw is not eating, she thinks someone is poisoning her food and sometimes she just will not eat it. I am not sure what will come of that. Like I posted earlier the chemo/radiation is really taking a toll on my dad, he is so sick, his skin is reacting to all the radiation, today was his 21st round of radiation. Unfortunately all they can do at this point is prescribe him more medication to make him comfortable. I keep praying for things to look up and I know things happen for a reason, so my trust is in God's hands.

Thanks as always to those of you who follow along and continue to pray for my family. The heart of others are what is helping us along at this time. I would love to get back to writing my cynical/funny blogs instead of these that bring such bad news. XOXO

Love,
Karen

3 am huh?

I picked up Belle's cake today and it is BEAUTIFUL! The girls as For goodness Cakes, did a wonderful job! I am still trying to muster up the energy to clean the rest of the house for Belle's party but it is just not looking promising! Being sick stinks especially when you are the mommy! I can't wait to post pictures from tommorrow and I am sorry for all of those that are going to miss it, I know there is so much illness going around and I hope each and every one of you feel better soon!
Muah!
Karen

Everything Must Fall To Pieces, Before it Can Go Back Together

The combination of stress and chemo have started to get to my dad. He has started having nosebleeds and his hands have broken out and he is tired and is having stomach problems, but still manages to have a good outlook. I can not stand it, to hear him sick, just to know everything that is going on makes me feel sick. Somedays it feels like my world will soon stop spinning. (Dramatic I know, but my life as I know it, right now has no shortage of dramatics). I just want to make everything better. I pray for things to be boring again.

MawMaw was transferred today. When she arrived at the hospital, she wanted to know why she wasn't taken to her mother's house. Another step back in recovery. We are all so worried about her. Just a few days ago things were looking better, now we are back at square one. When I was there and could spend time with her, she was getting better, I made sure she ate and drank, and looked at pictures and worked on her memory. So I can not help but feel a small bit responsible for the set back. Between work and family, I feel like I am being streched in a million directions. I can not stand the feeling that I have to chose between working and paying our bills and feeding my children and giving my grandmother a better quality of life. I wish I had a book of answers. How is this even happening? Our family is so small.. so small.. I have 1 grandparent left, 2 cousins who live in another state, one I have never met, my parents, 1 brother, 1 sister, my husband and 2 kids.. that is it.. That is our family. That is why our bond is so tight. We have always only had each other.

I am trying so hard even with these developments to get in the right mind set for Belle to have a party. How can we have a party and be happy? She deserves it and I pray so hard, just to have the strength. That is my prayer request for strength.

Love,
Karen

Promises

Today was a promising day. Steven and I took Tyler and Belle to Birmingham to see Maw Maw and she was sitting up in a chair, she was alert and oriented and for the first time since the stoke/seizures, she talked like my Maw Maw. She will be transferred tomorrow from Birmingham to Clay County where she will have rehab and she will also be closer to all of us, thank goodness. I don't think any of us could stand her being so far away alone. I will not try to pretend that I am not scared or devastated. Two of the most important people in my life, are both now terminal, I just have to figure out how to capture every moment, how to show my children the same love and dedication they showed me. If I am half the person they are I would be amazing. Keep praying for my family, not just Maw Maw and Daddy but also my mother, I know she must be tired but she keeps going. I am so proud to be a part of such a strong family.

Now on to another fab week at work! I can hardley wait!
Love,
Karen

It Can't Rain Forever.

In the week since I have last blogged, so much has changed yet, everything is pretty much the same. MawMaw is still in the hospital, but she is out of ICU. She has a private room on a regular unit and she should be transfered to a local hospital Monday. However she has been so confused and it is so heartbreaking. I didn't let her see me cry though, I will always be strong in front of them until I break. I decorated her room with as many pictures as I could and the results were amazing. She hugged me as we left and told me in my ear, I would never know how much she loved me and that I always knew how to fix things and make them better and I assured her she would never know how much I loved her. Her mind seems to come and go, but is better know than a few days ago, I will continue to try and keep her mind sharp as often as I can, I will not give up on her, she would never give up on me. I'm taking the kids to see her tommorrow, I know she will love that.

My dad has started to feel the effects of chemo and has started to feel sick. Not that having cancer and going through chemo and radiation and having your mother sick in the hospital... I can not imagine what he is going through. He is so tough and so selfless, he and my mother have been driving over 300 miles a day, to make it to his radiation, leave there drive to B'ham to be with MawMaw then all the way back home.. everyday. My daddy and my MawMaw are 2 of the most important people in my life, and mean the world to me, they were always there for me, always there when I needed anything, always on my side, they both are 2 of the kindest, kindest hearted, precious people and it is painful to see them unwell. Both are terminal, both are under the care of my mother, who is being quite the trooper, taking care of everyone.

My husband is still waiting on his employer to call him back to work, but looking for other employment in the meantime. However it is a stressful situation but we will work it out.

People have asked me how I handle all of this stress plus the daily stress of work and kids. It is both the easiest and hardest few months I have faced, It is hard seeing people you love hurting, but my family means everything to me so the easiest decision is to do whatever it takes to make things better.

We are excited for the end of the month, when we have a trip to Gatlinburg planned. I believe our family deserves that. It will be a much needed vacation.

We also have Belle's party coming up next weeked and that should be lots of fun. Until next time..

Love,
Karen

January 31, 2009 Deja' What?

It felt like Deja Vu getting the call that MawMaw was being taken to the hospital, not a good feeling to get over again. She was taken to the hospital with signs of a stroke. While at the hospital she had 2 terrible seizures, that I was in the room for. That was a terrifying sight. She was taken to Trinity Hospital and put in NeuroICU for the second time in 6 weeks. I don't know when it all ends but I have to say it sucks. My hope right now is simply for everyone to get healthy and be happy. Perhaps that is in the near future.

January 30, 2009

First of all I have NO clue why I am wide awake at 6 am! I am a big fan of sleep. I suppose my body feels I have had enough, that it possible. This week has went by in a haze, I got myself into a funk that I could not get out of, but I left work early yesterday went and spent time with my kids, let them play at McDonald's for a while, filed my taxes, Sarah helped the kids clean their rooms and I feel better today. I think the whole events from December just hit me like Monday, so I needed time. To my friends, I didn't mean to distance myself from you, well I did but I needed time to re-group. I love my friends and family more than anything and I think that is something everyone knows. Some days I feel like it is all just a dream. I worry what this world is coming to? There is such tragedy everywhere, hundreds of people being laid off, people killing themselves over being laid off, people are losing their homes and most are losing their minds. All I can say is I REALLY hope Obama can pull through and turn this economy around, it breaks my heart to see such struggles, not just in my own family but worldwide, which I guess is why I do not watch the news. I here news through other people or via the internet. I can not bring myself to sit and watch BAD news. I am sure things will work out (that's what your supposed to say right?). I just hope they do work out before it is too late for everyone.
Love,
Karen

Welcoming my Newest Authors

Ashley and Sarah! This should be interesting... I hope the world is ready for this unleashing!

My Dad and Chemo

The first day of chemo and radiation went well for daddy! The doctors decided to hook a pump to his port so he gets small amounts of chemo every hour constantly. He said is "isn't that bad yet". So that is great. He is so brave and I couldn't be prouder. He will continue to have radiation in Alex City 5 days a week for the next 6 to 7 weeks, and they will change out his chemo pump once a week and do maintance on the port in his neck. I know it will be hectic and stressful for him and my mother, making the daily trips and going through the therapy while also taking care of my grandmother and her therapy but anything that will keep them here with us longer is worth it. Nothing worth having is easy. I am just so happy that he is in such high spirits and his doctors are so caring. He has 3 doctors and together they make the treatment plans and this is what they as a group decided on. So 1 day down , many more to go! Thanks again for all the constant support and concern!Love,Karen

Heaven let your light shine down

I went to my dad's follow up appointment today, well most of our crew did, those of us who know us personally know we don't do things alone. So I was the note taker/ question asker because my mom didn't want to miss anything, and I watched the doctors face as he began to speak and I grabbed Sarah's hand. He told us that they did find cancer in his lymph nodes and in order for there to be a decent survival rate they would have to have removed at least 13 nodes.. my dad's surgeon removed 19!!!!!! I felt myself begin to grin from ear to ear.. AND only 1 of the 19 had cancerous cells! They have now given him a 70-80% chance of survival! We could not be more pleased! He will go and have a port put in his neck for his months of treatments, AND NOOOO radiation, the chemo should be able to wipe this out! See what a fighter my daddy is! The only thing that could stop him now is a reoccurrence of the cancer in which case his doctor said, there would be not much else he could do BUT our family is happy and thankful and blessed. I called tonight to see if they made it home and after all these weeks of no sleep... my dad was asleep, finally able to rest.. so port will be put in next week and chemo will start soon there after and in the meantime he wants to go back to work!!! So that is my update, someone definitely was shining down on us and what a miracle to go from such a grim prognoses to this!

December Life

For the most part, this month has been alot to deal with and even through it all it is amazing to see all of the good things and blessings happening at the same time! Don't get me wrong, all of the events of this month have been devastating and I have taken it pretty hard and life is stressful BUT at the same time there is good out there and beauty, I love the look in my children's eyes as they get so excited about Christmas, I love the innocence they have about life, Those smiles are so beautiful to me, I am thankful that I am still employed at this difficult time in the economy, to have a roof over our heads and to have 1 more day with my family, however bad, thinking of these things always makes me smile. Tyler, in response to the awesome December threats of "Tyler, Santa is watching you and you will not get anything if you are bad", He looked and me, thought for a second and responded. "Well when I hear Santa come in the house, because he is bringing Belle something I will go downstairs and have a talk with him and then he will give me something". I could only stare and shake my head, things like this are great!
Several of you have asked about my daddy, he has an appointment Monday which is his follow up from surgery, right now he has good days and bad ones, the past couple of days he has spiked a fever and broke out into hives?. So he is either having a reaction to something or has an infection, which we all know is not good news, but I am impressed with how much of a fighter he is, and this time he didn't wait, when he started feeling sick, he was ready to go to the doctor.
Sarah and I have decided to fight the war against cancer and help cancer patients and their familes. We recieved our first call tonight and we will help a lady, whose family we know but live out of state and they have to return home for work. Basically we will make sure she eats and help with the cleaning and such, we have a meeting next week! We are so happy to be able to help, it is almost like we have entered a club, one that no one wants to be in but everyone has a different outlook on life here! It is like there is never enough that you can do and if I can touch one person or help one person during this time then it would be worth it, I hope and pray that if for some reason I was unable to get to my father and he needed help someone would help him, THIS is why I do what I do, you have to think, these people could be your mother or your father, which is why my heart is so soft when it comes to the elderly but that is another blog completely. Anyway I encourage any of you to find a cause you can be passionate about where there are other people in need of help and get out there, there is no better feeling in this world than being the reason someone has a smile on thier face, my weakness is, I care too much, It is a fight we can either fight with them or stand by and watch, either way it could be you, and would you want someone to just watch as you hurt?
My MawMaw also has gotten worse she is going back to heart doctor tommorrow and will also probably be admitted. She however also is a fighter and I am just not ready to say good bye to either of them, so I am in hopes that they both can pull through this, I know daddy wants to be there for MawMaw and she for him, I have no idea how bad they feel being sick and your mother/son being sick also. My mother is who I am most worried about because SHE is the one going back and forth the doctors, making sure everyone gets fed and medication is passed out.. etc... whew all I know is this December has been awful and stressful BUT it has also made me more thankful than ever.
** On another note all of the cards and everything my dad has recieved lifts his spirits so much, I have shared all of the comments and well wishes and I promise he was so touched that so many people cared it was precious! It has been qute an eye opener to see who cared and who just read along. You truely find out who your friends are! For that I thank you.. YOU are awesome!**
I am sure this is completely random and out of order but just wanted to update with you guys! Hope everyone is having a great day and is getting excited for Christmas!
Love-
Karen

Circus part2

I am so confused, how can 1 person be so happy and yet so sad at the same time? How is it possible to feel so many emotions at the same time? Many people asked about a statement I made in a blog about my daddy about someone making a comment about it not being true, that person was a pharmacist, an adult, a person I had only worked with 1 time prior to this day, a simple fill in pharmacist, and she decided that the idea of my father having cancer was absured and MUST be a lie, she told everyone before I had a chance to about this "lie" I was telling. If only it were a lie, if only it were an excuse to leave work then that would mean that everything would now be OK and my daddy would not be dying. I am not saying that his illness is any less tragic than anyone elses parents because anyone trying to take this in must hurt. If I could take it all away I would. Why do I feel guilty? Because my father is a good man, no he is a great man that so does not deserve this. He is the kindest, most reserved and respective person I have ever met. He spent his adult life as a teacher, not because he wanted to but because his parents thought that was the best career for him and he didn't want to dissapoint them, which ultimately made him decide to never tell us what would be the best future choices for us his own children. What reward did he get from all of those years of teaching? Nothing.. he was miserable, he was treated like crap, just because he was so timid and kind hearted he was run over by students and staff, if you think this doesn't break my heart it does, these are all things held deep inside like I said previously and now I am choosing to express. Was it fun? Was it fun to be mean to teachers you thought you could? Was it worth it? What if it were your parent? What if your parent was the one you hear stories about all of the mean things kids did to him, would it be funny then? Is it so funny to know you wore him down, it was so much fun to make him mad, to take advantage, good for you, I hope Karma pays you a visit and something just as funny happens to you and the world laughs while you are miserable, like he did.. laugh it up... So he taught until he could not take it anymore, he made my senior year in high school his final year of teaching, which was more than a load lifted off of his shoulders. He then got a job with the US Postal service and for the first time ever he LOVED his job, he loved meeting all of the people at the post offices he filled in, but there was one... who thought it best to make him feel beneath him. Why? Because he was an easy target? Is that why? What could you possibly get from constantly hurting another person, he already has a complex about being a push over and he shouldn't, being nice is not a bad thing, some people just feel powerful by hurting others. I never knew any of these things until a few years ago, because he never wanted his hurt show. I just pray he knows in the depths of his heart how much he means to me, and I don't think he is a push over, I think he is wonderful, he is my daddy and would not pick another for that title if I could. Now he is faced with cancer and why? Again was he an easy target? Why not get me? Then at least it would be a bit more justified? I was the "bad" child, the black sheep if you will, I made all the wrong choices, I was loud and unruley unlike my parents who were so quiet, shy and reserved. I made them worry, I am the reason he worked a job he could not stand, it was to give me all the things I "HAD" to have, I am the one who wrecked all the cars and he even though I did not deserve it replaced them and he no matter what I did still stood by me, replacing what I broke, helping me out of everything I got my self in too and now he needs help and there is NOTHING I can do. I am just pissed there is nothing I can do to fix this. I just do not get the justification. Whatever happened to things being simple? I don't want sympathy or whatever.. I just want this fixed.. everything fixed.How did life get so complicated? Your best friends are more like family and somehow love you even when you are having a crazy blogging moment where you decide it is a good idea to spill your guts to the world or a small group of people. Oh lord. The people you used to know are not the ones you ever knew at all, everything changes and things stay the same at the same time

My circus

So I had these big plans to have like word vomit and spew my guts in this blog (refreshing choice of words I know) .. BUT I think I will wait.. At least now I have a starting point, to work from as I can.
I had this as a bulletin but then thought better about sharing so much with my adoring fans, I am sure to get tongues wagging!
10 things you may not have known about me until this countdown and if you did you must know me pretty well!
Hold on to your seats folks cause here I go......
1. I lived in Clay County (Cragford) but I didn't go to school in Ashland or Lineville, instead I went to Talladega, were I lived until I was 13ish, and my family moved to the CC but I have went to more Lineville football games than Talladega by FAR, thanks to my brother and sister who DID go to Lineville High and DID live in the same house with me, with the same parents, just went to schools in different counties.(Confused yet?)
2. I COMPLETELY repulsed by rodents.. all of them make me shudder, just going down the isle with the mouse traps, seeing the pictures make me cringe.
3. I think sushi is disusting, no matter what you say, it is raw fish.. and I do not want any of it and no I haven't tried it, I saw it and that was enough.
4. Before my 20th birthday I had been married and divorced to one of those Clay County boys who had my heart and his better interests in mind, I also moved to Anniston to live by myself to get away from "everything", which in keeping with my "plans", did not happened, I somehow ended up pregnant, which changed my life FOREVER, for the better, nothing can ever impact your life, like a child, and no matter what so help me, I will do ANYTHING to do right by them.
5. I still sleep with the same bear I have had for over 10 years because my MawMaw gave him to me the Christmas my house burned and my family lost everything but each other.
6. I find myself overcome with guilt over everything, things I can't change, things I can, I think it is a curse.
7. I adore the month of October, I love the weather, how it feels, how it smells and knowing the holidays are coming up.
8. I love my family more than anything in this world, I didn't always know how much I did, until reality slapped me in the face and then it hurt I felt it so bad.
9. When I was growing up I had my entire life planned out. It didn't go as planned.
10. I apparently can NOT make a right decision until I have tried ALL of the wrong ones. I can not believe I revealed so much in this list.I think I should close now before I tell something else I may regret! :-)
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Dear Auhsoj,Lately I have been having a hard time dealing, with life in general. Then when I think about dealing with things I feel so selfish because I know there are so many others who have lives that are so much worse than my own. In my mind however being dramatic it may seem it is all tragic. The blogs I place on prefered only will be labeled so at the top, that means these are my private thoughts and my way of creating a therapy for myself. It is more of a diary pursae, which is why there are only a few I am allowing to read my diary. I think I will write my own autobiography and if for no other reason than to share and let others know that it is ok to feel certain ways and that everyone makes mistakes and sometimes those mistakes you think you make are not that at all but part of a bigger well drawn out plan, I really am just rambling throwing around ideas that will better fit my needs. So for the first time in my entire life, I am going to lay it all out there, tell my story and maybe get rid of this permanant lump that seems to be lodged in my throat. Life is a funny thing, once you get used to it, it changes, I guess to see if you can keep up. I know that the guilt literally eats at me because my father has cancer and I chose to move up here because I thought I could run away from my heartaches, if only I knew another ache would replace that one that would make me want to be closer to "home". I feel guilty about a number of things, I am the oldest child, I should be the one taking care of things but no, I am the only child that can not drop everything and be there when needed. Oh how it feels to be pulled in a million different directions. You have an obligation to work, which in turn pays your bills, you also have an obligation to your family. Anyway this is my starting point, I do hope everyone enjoys the read and the next will be better laid out.

My daddy update 4 Current mood: numb Category: Life
I visited him today, he looked so weak and nervous, we were only able to stay a few minutes, because he was hurting and having people there was making him more nervous. He won't eat anything and his blood pressure has been dropping they may have to give him a blood transfusion tonight to help some of the problems. I hate so much to see him like this and in pain. They were able to get him to walk a little today, he walked down the hall, so that is good. I can not shake this sick feeling in my stomach, I just want everything to go back to normal and my daddy to be fine, but it is looking like in reality, that may not happen. I know everyday will be a struggle, but everyday will always be a blessing. It's just so hard for this to sink in, like how can this be real? This was not even a worry last week and this week, in a week alone, our lives have been turn upside down. I am not even sure HOW to feel, there are just so many emotions. The only thing I am sure of is I am not ready to lose him and I will do ANYTHING to make things better for him.

Finally Good News Category: Life
Today was much brighter. Much to the surprise of everyone who saw my daddy yesterday, this morning when he woke up, his appetite returned, he ate his breakfast and his lunch, his blood pressure stabilized, when meant no transfusion, he also had his drains removed and walked alot more. The best part was, since he was doing so well today, they let him go home late tonight to rest, since he had been through so much. I couldn't be happier! He will rest and take medications for 3 weeks, then return to the cancer center to schedule chemo and radiation. This whole ordeal has been an unbelieveable roller coaster, of ups and downs, going from scared to worried, to mad, to devastated, to happy about every positive thing happening! All I know is this: He was not expected to make it through surgery- HE DID, He was expected to have a transfusion- HE DIDN'T, He was thought to need to be in the hospital for a while to recover- HE ISN'T, Now I can't help but think that maybe just maybe he can beat this thing even if the doctors don't think he can, after all he has surpassed all of their expecatations this far. He is far from out of the woods, he is still very sick, weak and in pain and I do know the prognoses is still very grim, but I still have the hope! I can not express the thanks I have for my friends and people in my life who stepped up and showed concern for me and my family in this terrible time. I will continue to update through my blogs and I hope that each one will reveal another step towards remission, the doctors say that is not a likely outcome, but we will see!
Love,
Karen

My dad/ Hulk Smash

Daddy- The Surgery/ Hulk Smash Current mood: thankful
So first things first, My daddy made it through surgery!!! I am so happy about that fact alone, I can not explain the sigh of relief. They were able to remove all of the tumor. It was attached to his colon and his abdominal wall and intestines (the doctor made us some awesome pictures of before, after and during). He lost all of his colon and the inside of his abdominal wall was caterized, and 8 inches of intestines was removed, as far as eating/digesting he should have no problem after a few weeks, but that unfortunatly is where the good news ends. The cancer had spread to his lymph nodes, which means it has a more proabability of reproducing, long story short, with it at this stage and as much damage that has been done, with chemo, he was given 1 year to be with us. I know it could be much worse and I am thankful for everyday that he is in my life. He was my inspiration for years as well as a person I will always look up too. My daddy is the kindest, most generous person I have ever met and he (not that anyone does) doesn't deserve this. I am thankful that I got to hug my daddy tonight and tell him I love him. He was not expected to make it out of that operating room, so I call that number 1 on a long list of predictions he will prove wrong. He was more worried about everyone else than himself, which shows how big his heart is. He was apologizing for being so much trouble. We have a hard road ahead but we will take it day by day and cherish everyone like it is the last.
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NOW, moving along.
1. I want sympathy from no one, so no this is not a cry for attention, I think I could come up with something better than this, if attention was what I wanted and I NEVER NEVER would bring my daddy or anyone in my family into it.
2. I did not make this up, however bizarre it may sound to you it all happening so fast. I promise I wish it weren't real. Please ask my mother if her watching her husband of 28 years fight for his life, if that is a lie or a sympathy vote, I bet then you may get the message. I do promise, anyone who said this was a lie, I am sorry but there is a special place for you in hell and I hope you enjoy it there. Just wait karma.. will catch up with you. And yes I am mad, upset and bitter, sorry I didnt want this to happen and I am dealing the best way I know how.
3. I have learned that I can snap in 0.2 seconds, much like the hulk when someone questions the health of my father, its not funny, its not cute and all I want is for my father to live.. just to have him with me, I would not lie about this, that is sick. And if you think I will not snap, I can think of at least 5 or 6 people who witnessed the events of today and no I am not sorry. I can only pray for the ones I did not get a hold of today because this WILL be dealt with, and not over the phone.
4. If you do not care about me or my family, don't read these blogs, better yet, you can delete me from your "friends" list. THIS is no time for childishness, it may just be another "poor cancer patient", but not to me, he his my daddy and to me right now that makes him the most important cancer patient.
OK this was my vent for the night. I have spent most of it crying, yelling or holding one of the 2 back. I can not believe how insensitive and cruel people can be. I can only trust, one day they will see the error in their ways. Have a great night!
Love,
Karen

My dad Update

My daddy .. Update 2
I just got home from the hospital, he is in pain and very nauseated. He found out from the doctor today that the cancer is Stage 3 and is in his colon, intestines and stomach, they are not sure until tommorrow if it is also attached to his liver. He will lose 8 inches of his colon tommorrow and a layer of his stomach and the doctor told him to prepare and for us to prepare for the fact that the surgery may be too much for his body to handle and there is a great chance that he may not survive the surgery tommorrow. After surgery he should recover for a few days and then start Chemo for 6 months. Aparently this cancer has been growing for 5 years or so and he just presented no symptoms until the pain was to much to handle. Most stories I hear about someone having cancer, this process takes time and you have a little bit of time to digest the news or the situation, however in this case, we in the last 3 days learned that our father was sick, it may be cancer, then it was definatly cancer, then stage 3 cancer at that, and on top of that he may not make it through tommorrow? It is just alot to take in.I do appreciate all the kind messages, comments and texts.To answer some questions:Am I Ok? No not at all, but that is fine, I will cope.Do I want info about cancer? Nope, I know all I need to know, it has been killing my precious father silently, and I am bitter about it.Where is he having surgery? He is having surgery in Alex City at Russell Medical, he is in room 286 , surgery will be sometime between 10 and 1, he is the last surgery of the day because it will take so long and he will also have Chemo there in the cancer center.Is there anything you can do? No, not unless you can make this whole thing go away, but I do so appreciate those who have cared it means alot to see those who have taken time away from thier own life to check in on mine and at a time like this you need support more than anything.My head feels like it may explode as soon as the room stops spinning. I am so sick of bad news, I am really ready for some good news. I know to never take a thing for granted in this life.You know I took a survey on Monday, that asked a question, about if I would like to live the night before over and over and I foolishly said no, because nothing special happened, I was wrong, and these words have haunted me since I heard the news. I would LOVE to go back to Monday and live there for the rest of my life, nothing special happening was a beautiful thing.

My dad

Yesterday my daddy was diagnosed with cancer. Today he was admitted to the hospital, and they found it was in fact cancerous and worse than they originally thought. Tommorrow he will undergo surgery to remove the tumor, which will be dangerous. Then Chemo. This has been a bad year for our family, with my grandmother's heart failure, my other grandmother dying and now my father has cancer. I in no way want anyone's sympathy, the ONLY thing I want is my daddy, and for my daddy to be alive and well. With that being said, I am going to drive to hospital right now, to kiss my daddy goodnight and if you can tell your daddies you love them ,because I PROMISE this pain is nothing I would wish on anyone.

Cancer and The Economy

(For the people just reading my "diary" blogs, Auhsoj, is my diaries name. :-) Well I had to write dear somebody, It is pronounced Aww-Soj, and this story too shall be revealed in time)
Here is a timeline of my last few weeks.
November 19, 2008 Dad went to doctor for belly pain, sent for CT
November 20, 2008 Colonoscopy revealed the worst.. cancer
November 21, 2008 Surgery to remove cancer, hardest day to live with. Both mentally , emotionally, not to mention the criticism of others.
November 27, 2008 Thanksgiving, no one wanted to celebrate due to daddy's illness.
December 5, 2008 Husband Laid off from work, meaning I know have the sole responsibility of paying the bills and still hold it all together for us all. (Thanks economy, go buy some platnium.. really :-))
December 19, 2008 Grandmother falls from stairs to concrete, put in NeuroICU in Birmingham, with suspected brain bleed
December 23, 2008 My employer annouced that because of the number of prescriptions I was able to transfer our store would recieve a bonus... exciting right.. wrong.. there was a corporate mixup and the front end employees NOT the pharmacy personel who did this work got bonuses, we recieved NOTHING, a slap in the face would have felt nicer. We did get to see the excitement they had spending the money, 2 days before Christmas. Still to this day no correction has been made.
December 24, 2008 Sarah's Birthday
December 25, 2008 Merry Christmas (MawMaw still in ICU)
December 30, 2008 Maw-Maw released from hospital under orders she can not return home until released by a doctor. So she moved in with my parents and home health and physical therapy make home visits.
January 1, 2009 New Years
January 19, 2009 Belle's 2nd Birthday
January 19, 2009 Daddy's First Day of Chemo/ Radiation And somewhere in between all of this my child, my precious baby boy, has become, "The bad child", and ohhh that one hurts, I am at whits ends, hoping it is a faze, it is so embarrasing.

*Disclaimer: I DO NOT want a soul to feel "sorry" for me, this is however my life and I am the one who has to deal with it. This merely is a vent and I added dates for my own time line, I am sure there is some information some of you didn't know about but there it is, in black in white. It is what it is and what it is sucks BUT this is just another of lifes trials. This too shall pass, and I am a happy person and feel selfish for feeling down, so the last thing I want is someones sympathy or to be treated different or to be "sheltered" from other bad news or for someone to feel like they can not come to me because I have enough to deal with, my friends I love dearly and it would hurt me more to know you didn't come to me. I am sure it will never be too much. Just need a nap. Add all of the above to being a parent working over full time at a thankless job and come home to all of the mommy chores.. it will all work out. What is meant to be finds its way.*
Want to know what all this feels like.. read the lyrics to this song! Pretty Much Sums it all up in one song! Lyrics sometimes have an amazing way of comforting you, knowing there must be someone else who at one time felt this way and then wrote a song about it! Fortunatly it is all becoming comedic as I try to try hard to stop the cynical thoughts. And now as I stand facing the world, I scream, "Hit me with your best shot, I can handle it". (I hope) :-))
.."Welcome To My Life"Do you ever feel like breaking down?Do you ever feel out of place?Like somehow you just don't belongAnd no one understands youDo you ever wanna run away?Do you lock yourself in your room?With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screamingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels all rightYou don't know what it's likeTo be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeDo you wanna be somebody else?Are you sick of feeling so left out?Are you desperate to find something more?Before your life is overAre you stuck inside a world you hate?Are you sick of everyone around?With their big fake smiles and stupid liesWhile deep inside you're bleedingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels all rightYou don't know what it's likeTo be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeNo one ever lied straight to your faceAnd no one ever stabbed you in the backYou might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okayEverybody always gave you what you wantedYou never had to work it was always thereYou don't know what it's like, what it's likeTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)To be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeWelcome to my lifeWelcome to my life I do love you all dearly and appreciate you reading my blogs and for all of the comments and sharing stories!

Some Truth..

They say the truth may set you free... Here is some truth for you! Current mood: breezy
First of all I learned to put my blog to my "preferred" readers only. So if you can read this... you made the list! :-)
Here is a list of things that right now at this moment are driving me insane, a numerical vent if you will!
S.D. I know you are shaking your head at my grammar and spelling errors, give me a break I am a woman scorned or something like that!
So here we go:
1. How is it possible to be almost 30 have children... who themselves are in school and still talk like you are in highschool! Give the drama back to the teenagers. Soem people change, some do not, those who are meant to be in your life are there, and the really great people you have hold on to them. The ones who bring you to the point where you act like a 12 year old, who needs them... Enough said.
2. Why do some people pride themselves on belittleing others. I have saw in the last month the worst example of that. Why would someone with a 6 year degree, and a "perfect" life of thier own feel better, by making a single mother, who is out there actually working her butt off feel like crap. If you really get cheap kicks out of making people feel like shit, go out there and lecture these people who keep making kids that they do not want or support. No one has any problems taking money out of my paycheck to pay for these people to sit at home and draw a check for welfare, food stamps, government phone and free healthcare. I think any ABLE BODIED person who can work, should to support thier familes and those that are actually trying should not be belittled!
3. WHY WHY WHY... does every meth manufacurer in Calhoun County come to buy Pseudophedrine from me and why why why do they pretend they are so sick and have never bought it before when the log is in ABC order, I can see you bought 3 days ago. If our law enforcement wants to crack down on this problem, then why is it still so easy for these people to get the ingredients they need to ruin thier lives, which in turn eventually gets them arrested and "bless thier hearts" gets sent to rehab, non off which they can pay for, which I am sure comes some how out of my paycheck... the person who by her company is required to keep this product on the shelf.
4. Oh and here is a hint... posting blogs and comments, and status updates about how wonderful your life and marriage are, does not convince me. I'm not sure who you are trying to convince, the world or yourself. So here is my statement, My husband and I fight like crazy! I love that man with all my heart, but no one makes me madder and there I declared it on myspace.
5. Who sets the mold for what is normal anyway? I seem to think that everyone including myself is a little crazy.
Well 5 is enough for today! Feel Free to give your input and thanks for reading!!
Love,
Karen

Will You be My Emergency Contact?

Will You Be My Emergency Contact? Current mood: animated Category: Life
Ahh life is full of good stuff and never ceases to amaze or make you shake your head in disbelief.
-Ever notice how no matter what you fill out there is always a place for your EMERGENCY contact. Ok seriously if I am at the hospital already, my emergency contact is already there more than likely. I guess in the event that I pass out at Wal-Mart, the employees will initiate the emergency contact search and call around and find out who I am and who I would like contacted in the event of an emergency. What the little line actually means is, in the event you do not pay your bill, we establish a state of emergency and will then contact your designated person to get them to get you to pay. So why not save some time and on the forms write "Who can we contact when your broke butt can't pay your bill?" I am thinking of changing my emergency contact at every place I go, maybe start in the phone book at A and work my way towards Z and in the event I can't pay my bills, everyone in this county will know not who I am but they will definatly know my name! Unfortunatly I do pay my bills so I guess I will never get to test my theories... dang it!
- It has been brought to my attention by a friend of mine that I have gained weight since highschool. Really.. I had no idea, how sweet of you to notice. Now this comment was not made out of concern for my health but because the extra weight did not look good in her terms of what was pretty and what she needed beside her. Wow and I was just thinking of how HOT my extra weight was, thank goodness you stepped in and let me know. My thoughts are this, yes, I did gain weight, I did go through a rough time and my body did suffer. Am I proud of this, of course not, is this something I am working on, it certainly is but not for anyone else but myself. My husband has told me numerous times that he thinks I am beautiful no matter what, which means the world to me and my best friends love me for who I am. We should seek out our own flaws before we start trying to "fix" others, I have something you know nothing about tact, and personality. My friends may not be perfect, but to me they are gorgeous and I love each of them dearly and would never think of picking them apart to better accomodate myself. We are all different, that is what makes us special, embrace that.
- Now I do have a sense of sarcasm and make jokes but the few things I am passionate about I don't mind expressing in blogs and for the most part I am serious with what I am saying. My family and friends mean the world to me. My job may be stressful, but it pays the bills and I am very driven to make sure everyone gets their medications and help when they need it. People have asked me, why am I still at my store when our clients are so bad, truth is, I am addicted, they know me and I them, we for the most part have an understanding and they know I will do everything in my power to help them. That being said would I leave for a better opportunity, yes sir, and I am always looking but it will have to be something that I consider perfect for me and my family before I will move on.
-Hope this blog has made you laugh or think or both and I hope everyone has a great week. Until next time this has been another Karen original!
Love,
K

Confessions of a legal drug dealer..

Confessions of a Legal Drug Dealer Category: Blogging
So I by day lead our pharmacy and the thing you see and deal with on a daily basis are NOT by any means easy.
1. We of course have the pseudoephedrine problem, my thought is, IF the DEA and task force know that these sales are mainly to make methamphetamines, why are we required to sell it? Would it not be easier to add a harder step in order to obtain this drug needed to make meth? Why not return it to a prescription only drug? Or have some sort of counseling required to buy it. Of course we have to ID each person buying the medication and write the sale in a book for the DEA but all the people who are buying it for drug use do is obtaion alternate IDs when they have reached thier max, making it harder for the people who really need the drugs to get them.
2. In our pharmacy, it is placed in a part of town where our customers need more attention than most. However it is harder for new employees to understand and much harder to train them, which in turn causes mistakes that are hard to explain to people who have no knowledge of what is going on behind the counter.
3. There is more to filling a script than just pouring pills into a bottle. We have to scan each prescription in, input the drug and directions, pull the drug and physically count each pill, label a bottle, bill insurance, and pass it to a pharmacist to check. That is a perfect fill, which happens only every other fill.
4. I can not change you co-pay, I send an electronic claim to insurance and they send me how much to charge you, so no matter how loud you yell, I can not change that. I can however try to find you a better price, via price matches and discount cards, none of which I would want to do when you stand there yelling about things I can not help.
5. It is not my resposibility to KNOW you ran out of medication, when you see you are getting low, call us, don't wait until 8:45 to let us know you are out and going to die and expect us to drop everything, because you waited until the last second. We will do everything in our power to help you, so please bear with us and try to be kind.
6. I can not help nor can I explain why someone else made a mistake, all I can do is correct it and apologize, screaming, yelling , calling me stupid or racist, will not make anything better. My advice, keep your blood pressure down and let me help you.
7. Some insurances suck, I can not help that, I can however suggest a new plan that may work better for you or try to obtain a PA that can help you get your meds.
8. We do have new people and although it is not rocket science it is our job to make sure you get the right dose and the right medication and you have the right directions, so with all of the codes, and drugs, and different insurances, the training process takes a longer time.
9. I am proud of my job because I know I am able to help so many people everyday and that is the most fulfilling part of my job. When a persons meds cost 500 dollars and I can get it covered by a PA with a 20 dollar co-pay.
10. My lesson being, until you have been in this setting, try to be more understanding to what goes on behind the scences. I promise as long as I can I will help you in anyway possible.

Confessions of a legal drug dealer..

Confessions of a Legal Drug Dealer Category: Blogging
So I by day lead our pharmacy and the thing you see and deal with on a daily basis are NOT by any means easy.
1. We of course have the pseudoephedrine problem, my thought is, IF the DEA and task force know that these sales are mainly to make methamphetamines, why are we required to sell it? Would it not be easier to add a harder step in order to obtain this drug needed to make meth? Why not return it to a prescription only drug? Or have some sort of counseling required to buy it. Of course we have to ID each person buying the medication and write the sale in a book for the DEA but all the people who are buying it for drug use do is obtaion alternate IDs when they have reached thier max, making it harder for the people who really need the drugs to get them.
2. In our pharmacy, it is placed in a part of town where our customers need more attention than most. However it is harder for new employees to understand and much harder to train them, which in turn causes mistakes that are hard to explain to people who have no knowledge of what is going on behind the counter.
3. There is more to filling a script than just pouring pills into a bottle. We have to scan each prescription in, input the drug and directions, pull the drug and physically count each pill, label a bottle, bill insurance, and pass it to a pharmacist to check. That is a perfect fill, which happens only every other fill.
4. I can not change you co-pay, I send an electronic claim to insurance and they send me how much to charge you, so no matter how loud you yell, I can not change that. I can however try to find you a better price, via price matches and discount cards, none of which I would want to do when you stand there yelling about things I can not help.
5. It is not my resposibility to KNOW you ran out of medication, when you see you are getting low, call us, don't wait until 8:45 to let us know you are out and going to die and expect us to drop everything, because you waited until the last second. We will do everything in our power to help you, so please bear with us and try to be kind.
6. I can not help nor can I explain why someone else made a mistake, all I can do is correct it and apologize, screaming, yelling , calling me stupid or racist, will not make anything better. My advice, keep your blood pressure down and let me help you.
7. Some insurances suck, I can not help that, I can however suggest a new plan that may work better for you or try to obtain a PA that can help you get your meds.
8. We do have new people and although it is not rocket science it is our job to make sure you get the right dose and the right medication and you have the right directions, so with all of the codes, and drugs, and different insurances, the training process takes a longer time.
9. I am proud of my job because I know I am able to help so many people everyday and that is the most fulfilling part of my job. When a persons meds cost 500 dollars and I can get it covered by a PA with a 20 dollar co-pay.
10. My lesson being, until you have been in this setting, try to be more understanding to what goes on behind the scences. I promise as long as I can I will help you in anyway possible.

Belle's Montage

Tyler's Montage

http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=16be61240c2e7dd24865bb"> http://www.onetruemedia.com/share_view_player?p=16be61240c2e7dd24865bb" />

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

When Calling Directory Assistance..

1. I did NOT put the call center in Alabama, I only chose to work at a call center in Alabama to help you in directing your calls, SO bitching at me from NewYork or California will not make the call center move.
2. No!! I do NOT know the name of the store on the corner of Broadway and 11th street . (Remember I am in Alabama) (see 1)
3. Yelling into the automated system does not get you any faster service or get your point across any clearer. The only thing you accomplish is hurting my ears.
4. Cursing, Singing, Laughing, Whispering and all the other "cool" stuff people say and do while the automation is playing, can be heard by the operator. You do not sound cool or macho, only annoying and slightly ignorant.
5. I am NOT a freaking psychic therefore I can not read your mind. However I am a directory assistance operator so maybe we can find a psychic in your town and they can tell you what it is you need!
6. I am sorry you can not spell the name of the city you live in, but honestly if you live there and can not spell it, do you really expect me to? And yelling at me because you do not know the name of the town OR the business you are looking for doesn't help anything. (See 5)
7. I did not make the database or add or remove any numbers. I can only search the database using the information YOU provide. If you feel a number is missing or wrong.. call the phone company, after all they are the ones who list the numbers not the operator.
8. Yelling OPERATOR will not get you to an operator any faster. So just calm down and one will be with you shortly. (and will be a lot happier if you have not busted her ear drum by yelling operator 20x's)
9. If you have a phonebook... uhmm USE IT. Yelling "I'll just check the phone book" does not in anyway hurt me only makes you look lazy for not looking there first. (If its not in directory assistance.. its not in the phonebook)
10. I LOVE my job and only a handful of the hundreds of people I talk to daily are rude and it is those hundreds that are nice, patient and sensible that make my job fun and worthwhile!
THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT ARE NICE TO OTHERS EVEN WHEN THEY CAN NOT SEE THEM OR HAVE TO BE POLITE! IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
Rant over! Moral being.. be nice, you never know who is on the other end of the the phone and operators can only work with what they are given! :-)
Love,
Karen

Motherhood.. My translation

Ahh motherhood.... having a cute baby to carry around and have people aww over, yeah that's part of it but here is the rest.Being a mother means many things:*Injured toes and feet from tripping over those little cars.*Being Puked, Peed and Pooped On sometimes repeatedly.*Saying Goodnight at least 300 times because someone needs, something to drink, eat or any other of the million excuses to get back up. *Finding your favorite perfume/body spray bottle empty and you can only wonder where the contents have gone.*Screaming and/or crying with no notice*Having to say I can not believe you put that in the toilet, or where did you find that permanant marker and WHY did you color your face.* When they cock an attitude and it takes everything to keep from smiling because you KNOW that attitude was genetic.*Hearing those little feet come running and a little blonde head pop around the corner to climb into bed with you because he is scared. *Or having someone else want to hold him and he yells I want my mommy. * The feeling of contentness when holding your child and looking in their eyes and can see part of yourself. * Watching your baby sleep, knowing you are gonna protect this little life with everything in you.* The sweetest kisses and hugs. Any girl can have a baby BUT it takes a real woman to become a mother! Being a mother is not for whimps or those easy to give up cause it's not always easy but it worth EVERY second! Having children puts everything in a totally new perspective and I can not imagine my life without my 2 angels.

Facts

*There will probably be repeats since I have been tagged before* 1. I love the sound of a box fan2. I wash my dishes by hand before I put them in the dishwasher (and I hate doing dishes.3. I love having my eyebrows waxed4. I am allergic to bad spelling (not typos) but people who write things to be read by many and misspell every other word ex. pregnate,5. I LOVE to drive and drive fast but I have terrible road rage.6. I am scared of the quiet and I get paraniod easily7. I prefer to be cold rather than hot8. I change clothes as soon from a day out9. I love to shop10. My family and friends me the absolute world to me and I love them all very much. You realize how much they mean to you when they support you through good times and most importantly the bad. The ones that care matter and the ones that don't care don't matter.

As I have matured

As I have matured Current mood: cranky
As I've Matured...
I seem to keep getting older..
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Fire Proof

My husband and I watched and enjoyed this movie. Did not know what we were in for but learned some good lessons and I want to pass this on to all of my married friends!
Love-
Karen

http://www.fireproofyourmarriage.com/

Too many marriages end when someone says "I've fallen out of love with you" or "I don't love you anymore." In reality, such statements reveal a lack of understanding about the fundamental nature of true love

Unconditional love is eagerly promised at weddings, but rarely practiced in real life. As a result, romantic hopes are often replaced with disappointment in the home, but it doesn't have to stay that way.

The Love Dare, as featured in the new movie Fireproof, is a 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. Whether your marriage is hanging by a thread or healthy and strong, The Love Dare is a journey you need to take.



Introduction to the Love Dare:

Receive this as a warning.

This forty day journey cannot
be taken lightly.

It is a challenging and often
difficult process, but an incredibly
fulfilling one. To take this dare
requires a resolute mind and a
steadfast determination.

It is not meant to be sampled or briefly
tested, and those who quit early will
forfeit the greatest benefits. If you
will commit to a day at a time for forty
days, the results could change your
life and your marriage.

Consider it a dare, from others
who have done it before you.